It's working

I’m happier now. Some of it has to do with my work schedule not being so crazy I’m sure but some of it is definitely Jesus answering my prayers for peace. I am experiencing moments, and even more than moments, where I feel content here in the present. This morning I enjoyed a fun breakfast with my two beautiful, blue-eyed girls instead of accepting the dread that can come in the morning because of the mental list of all my to-dos.  I enjoyed getting to go shopping for a little while with just Maddie while Laura took Noelle. I didn’t let myself think of all the other practical things I could have gotten done instead. I just enjoyed my daughter’s company and had fun being out. I even let myself buy a few things for myself and didn’t buy things for the girls instead. Living in the present instead of wishing I had done more in the past or worrying about what I need to do in the future is going to be life changing for me if I can continue it. It makes each individual day so much more peaceful and fulfilling. I guess Jesus was onto something when he told us not to worry about tomorrow and not to be anxious. 

I have wasted so much mental and emotional energy wishing I had done more or worrying that I won’t be able to do what I need to. I’m happy to say that I am changing. It’s like another piece to the puzzle has been added. All the little steps of asking God to help me and letting the Holy Spirit search me, they have led to a big step where now I can see the progress that’s been made. It feels good. It feels good to know that if I continue to receive the peace that comes with being here in the present, with all the grace I need available to me, this doesn’t have to be just a period of time that I live like this. 

I have always loved the verse “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” There are so many verses that I have known are true for a long time but it’s as I continue to live my life with Jesus that they work themselves into who I am and there is an even deeper “knowing” that it is true. I have presented my requests to God, with some petitioning involved, and his peace is now guarding my heart and mind. So simple, yet so profound. It’s such a basic concept but when it’s actually practiced and worked out in a real way, it’s life changing.  

Peace

One day I hope I can figure out how to live in peace. Peace of mind, peace of soul and spirit. I crave peace right now. I'm struggling with all the busyness in life to find peace, let alone hold onto it. I know this isn't a good sign but then as I realize this I get less peaceful because I know I am failing at being peaceful...sigh. I want to slow down. I want it so badly but there's so much to do. So much to catch up on. So much that's waiting for me, for my attention. I want to relax but how do I when there's never a moment I should be still. Or wait...there are moments that I should be still. I'm just not taking them and using them to find peace. To find the One who gives true peace. 

Life will continue to be very busy. I don't think this will ever change. However, I do need to practice listening to myself in the midst of the busyness to see if there is anything that I can change. It's easy for me not to feel like I have control over things in my life. Of course this is partially true because I can not ultimately control my life. I can however be proactive in making decisions about my day, how I spend my time (to some degree), and what I'm dreaming about for tomorrow. 

I wish it is was easy for me to be assertive in my own life, but it's not. I have to work to do this. A few years ago, God gave me a picture in my mind of how this looks to help me better understand what he needed to change. It looks something like this. My life is a room and I'm a girl sitting in the corner of the room. I'm sitting with my arms wrapped around my knees and I'm waiting. I'm waiting for someone to come in and give me permission to get up...to look around...to do anything. I'm not curious about what's in the room, I just am waiting for someone to tell me what to do. This unfortunately has been a part of me and my approach to life. I say unfortunately because that's a sad picture. I don't want that for either of my girls and thankfully I already know that Noelle does not feel like I do : )  She is quite the opposite and for that I am glad.

I'm learning that I don't need to wait for someone else to have a great idea. I also don't need to wait for someone else to tell me how great of an idea mine was before I can do it. This applies for me in so many ways I would bore you to tears if I kept going. I am in the part of the journey where I see the road I've been on and I'm trying to figure out how to find a new one, the right one that will lead me to a place of fulfillment. 

The good ol' days

Laura was looking through our pictures the other day and put a few on our desktop of Noelle that I thought I'd share. This was by far Noelle's chubbiest phase and it is so endearing to me! I love that it looks like all she ever did was eat : ) She wasn't much older than Maddie in these pictures even though she's much chubbier than Maddie. I can hardly handle the last one! I just want to reach through the computer and squeeze her! And to think that Maddie is going to be 3 just as quickly as Noelle has grown up...all the more reason to cherish every moment with both of them.