Interior design

I've been thinking a lot about interior design lately. Not about getting into it professionally, just about my hangups with it, what my house says about me, that kind of stuff. I've been thinking about how designing a room feels utterly overwhelming to me. Almost suffocatingly so. It's like I get this tightness in my heart and my throat. Sounds dramatic right? Well, I'm not actually close to suffocating when I think about it, that's just a good description for the internal reaction I have. Weird I know. Especially when I look at a friend's blog who is an interior designer and I see pages and pages of different rooms. They're all different and she likes them all. How does she decide what goes in her house? How does she make all of those decisions? It's baffling. I think the way I feel about trying to design a room is indicative of how I feel about life. I don't like making decisions. I'm afraid of failing. I'm nervous about making the wrong choices. Even when it comes to things like what picture frames would look best.

I feel like I have this creative, dynamic person inside of me that's wanting to come out. She's wanting to come out and make more decisions about things that don't matter that much. Maybe take a risk with color choices or what does or doesn't go together. I want to enjoy designing and creating. I don't though, I fear it.

Looking at my family room right now it's depressing. It's sad that the thing that comes to mind is how ugly it is. With that thought is the following thought that it will always be that way. The suppressed creative person I am has a hard time envisioning things that aren't already there. I love seeing pictures of beautiful rooms or beautiful clothes. I just want someone to snap their finger and make my house or wardrobe look like that. I can't believe that my room that currently is so drab could look beautiful.

I know that I need to start believing that I capable of creating beautiful things and not just assign that activity to other more obviously creative people. People who ooze original ideas, style, and design. I know that it takes listening to myself, it takes time looking at things I do and don't like so I know the difference.

This focus on design is not simply about decorating that's for sure. It all started when God spoke to me about the power of knowing that I've been designed. When someone is designing something there is thought and intent and so much planning. There's dreaming involved and there's a specific outcome that is desired. God is my designer. I am his room. The room isn't supposed to just be functional. It's supposed to say something. I'm allowed to say something with my space. The space I live in, walk around in, and relate in. Wow. This is something I will be meditating on for a while. I want my space, both internally and externally to say beautiful, wonderful, peacefilled, dynamic things.

I love Jesus. Jesus brings a sense of both peace and purpose. Peace in the here and now, purpose that allows me to dream beyond myself. My agony over and my ponderings about design don't leave me hopeless. I know I'm lacking but I know that new things are growing. New thoughts, new ways, new ideas for my space. It's amazing how Jesus continues to move forward with me in my journey to know myself and know Him better. I love being comfortable with discomfort now...at least for the most part. I feel grateful for the grace I am feeling right now. Grace that empowers and strengthens. Grace that goes into the lowest and driest of places and makes them flourish. I need more of that. I need more of my Jesus and less of my disbelief.