I cry fairly often when God speaks to me.  Sometimes they're sweet tears, where I'm reminded of his goodness and love. Other times they're desperate tears when I feel so far from who I want to be and what I want to do.  This morning at church it was no different. He was talking to me and I was crying.  He was reminding me of things he's spoken before and bringing hope and new ideas. Sometimes I can cry discretely and other times, not so much. Today was one of the latter. I had to put my head down and let my face contort, let my body give in to the cries. My spirit feels like it's being kneaded right now. Like it's in his hands and he's gently but firmly doing the work that only he can do to create something beautiful. Some of the beautiful things I've been wanting more of are love (the kind that takes action), peace (the kind that stands tall in the face of stressful situations), and inspired thoughts (the kind that show me what my hands and feet can do in the here and now to be fully alive and in step with God).

So after my sobbing fest, worship was coming to a close, and I was becoming aware of the fact that snot was running free, I had no tissues, and I was sure mascara was wildly strewn all around my eyes. I wanted to be able to make myself presentable.  As soon as I had these thoughts I heard the Holy Spirit interject. He was wondering why I felt the need to erase all evidence of my brokenness. Why did I want to make it look nothing had happened?  He was expanding this little lesson. I started asking myself, why in my daily life do I try to compose myself in a way that erases the evidence of my brokenness and dependence on God? Or the way he affects me? Can I learn to allow myself to live connected to my vulnerability and weakness in a way that allows all the strength of God's love, mercy, and hope to pour into and out of me?  Because this is what I want. Really, really badly. I want to live minute by minute aware that I'm connected to everything He's strong in. That there's no aspect of my life that has to remain unaffected by him and the endless possibilities he offers. No parenting situation, no business situation, no marriage situation, no financial situation, no future uncertainty...nothing.

I feel "undone" by God's love and grace regularly. He's so good and so kind. And I've always wanted everyone to know it and experience it as well. But I'm not great at letting what I experience come out of me in non-church settings.  I want to blow my nose and wipe away the mascara so to speak and then try and present myself in a normal, acceptable way. But what if the way I respond to God with tears and that feeling of being undone is meant to be shared in all it's snotty, mascara smeared glory?  And not just at church but with people I interact with on a daily basis. Not that I'm going to go sobbing to everyone I meet, but more so in the way I hold my heart. Am I willing to gush about Jesus? About how he is smiling over us and offers a peace we can't buy anywhere? Am I willing to live like Jesus, to have eyes that really see people and their needs? To be moved with compassion to act on their behalf no matter how foolish or vulnerable I may feel.

I'm tired of talking and thinking about who I want to be and what I want to do. I want to just do it. To just be it. Genuinely. I don't know where all of this is going to lead and how I'll be putting action to these words. But I do know I feel his hands holding my heart and he's so kindly kneading it. And I know he'll continue to knead it as long as I let him. I know that he has led me from a place of feeling like I needed to save the world to a place of being happy to be the one saved. That I no longer feel obligated to change people. I get it, that's his job. He's the love, the joy, the peace. And since I'm in him, I want to be that everywhere, in every situation. Not for any other reason except that this is my reality. Not an agenda, not a "how to" for being the best Christian, but simply this is life as a follower and friend of Jesus. As one who has been with him. Who's eaten his food, drank his wine, enjoyed his company.