I cry fairly often when God speaks to me.  Sometimes they're sweet tears, where I'm reminded of his goodness and love. Other times they're desperate tears when I feel so far from who I want to be and what I want to do.  This morning at church it was no different. He was talking to me and I was crying.  He was reminding me of things he's spoken before and bringing hope and new ideas. Sometimes I can cry discretely and other times, not so much. Today was one of the latter. I had to put my head down and let my face contort, let my body give in to the cries. My spirit feels like it's being kneaded right now. Like it's in his hands and he's gently but firmly doing the work that only he can do to create something beautiful. Some of the beautiful things I've been wanting more of are love (the kind that takes action), peace (the kind that stands tall in the face of stressful situations), and inspired thoughts (the kind that show me what my hands and feet can do in the here and now to be fully alive and in step with God).

So after my sobbing fest, worship was coming to a close, and I was becoming aware of the fact that snot was running free, I had no tissues, and I was sure mascara was wildly strewn all around my eyes. I wanted to be able to make myself presentable.  As soon as I had these thoughts I heard the Holy Spirit interject. He was wondering why I felt the need to erase all evidence of my brokenness. Why did I want to make it look nothing had happened?  He was expanding this little lesson. I started asking myself, why in my daily life do I try to compose myself in a way that erases the evidence of my brokenness and dependence on God? Or the way he affects me? Can I learn to allow myself to live connected to my vulnerability and weakness in a way that allows all the strength of God's love, mercy, and hope to pour into and out of me?  Because this is what I want. Really, really badly. I want to live minute by minute aware that I'm connected to everything He's strong in. That there's no aspect of my life that has to remain unaffected by him and the endless possibilities he offers. No parenting situation, no business situation, no marriage situation, no financial situation, no future uncertainty...nothing.

I feel "undone" by God's love and grace regularly. He's so good and so kind. And I've always wanted everyone to know it and experience it as well. But I'm not great at letting what I experience come out of me in non-church settings.  I want to blow my nose and wipe away the mascara so to speak and then try and present myself in a normal, acceptable way. But what if the way I respond to God with tears and that feeling of being undone is meant to be shared in all it's snotty, mascara smeared glory?  And not just at church but with people I interact with on a daily basis. Not that I'm going to go sobbing to everyone I meet, but more so in the way I hold my heart. Am I willing to gush about Jesus? About how he is smiling over us and offers a peace we can't buy anywhere? Am I willing to live like Jesus, to have eyes that really see people and their needs? To be moved with compassion to act on their behalf no matter how foolish or vulnerable I may feel.

I'm tired of talking and thinking about who I want to be and what I want to do. I want to just do it. To just be it. Genuinely. I don't know where all of this is going to lead and how I'll be putting action to these words. But I do know I feel his hands holding my heart and he's so kindly kneading it. And I know he'll continue to knead it as long as I let him. I know that he has led me from a place of feeling like I needed to save the world to a place of being happy to be the one saved. That I no longer feel obligated to change people. I get it, that's his job. He's the love, the joy, the peace. And since I'm in him, I want to be that everywhere, in every situation. Not for any other reason except that this is my reality. Not an agenda, not a "how to" for being the best Christian, but simply this is life as a follower and friend of Jesus. As one who has been with him. Who's eaten his food, drank his wine, enjoyed his company.  

My house

Out of the blue, we are seriously looking at putting our house up for sale as soon as possible, with the hopes of it selling by the summer. It's strange how there are always a million options in our lives but until you have a specific, new idea, the current plan just seems like your only option.  About a week ago, Josh brought up the idea of trying to sell this summer instead of next summer and honestly my first reaction was, no way, that's not going to happen. I knew we were going to move, most likely in about a year and a half. A change like that felt exciting and sat comfortably in me when it was still seemingly far away. But putting it on the table for now, well that was completely different.

I was surprised by how unsettled it first made me. I think I pride myself on being up for most anything and I'm not terribly afraid of change. But it hit me hard that we were going to be the ones to sell the house my parents bought when my mom was pregnant with me, 36 years ago this spring. The house where all of my childhood memories happened. And now for six years it's been the home my children have known and we've made our own memories. I think of the community of people who have come through this house, the people my parents invited in. I think about all the sleepovers, birthday parties, and late night talks that have happened in these walls. So many wonderful conversations, so many dreams, so many experiences of God speaking his goodness. It makes me feel so full of emotion. The kind where it's in your throat, not quite spilling over yet.

I love this house. I love that I had a great childhood here, filled with wonderful family and friends. I love that I've been able to share this house with my family. That my kids have played in the same leaves I did, and have waded in the same creek. I love shared experiences.

But I also love new adventures. I love good change. I love the idea of not having to drive an hour and a half taking kids to and from school each day. It's fun to think of living more in the country and close to a lot of friends.

Who knows what will happen, even if we put it up for sale, we won't be in control of when it sells. I think that'll be comforting in a way. We'll do our part and then see what happens. But when it does sell, I know one thing for sure. I'll be sad, and I'll cry. I'll grieve what was, even as I look forward to what is coming.

My soul feels so satisfied right now. There's such a deep knowing that all is well when it comes to what is eternal. I was thinking about this the other night and overcome with gratefulness. I believe it was the Father who then spoke the words in my mind, "You've come home". And that's exactly what it feels like. I'm at home. I'm at home with my Father's overwhelming love for me. Even though I've always known him, my identity was more wrapped up in what I could do for him rather than who He wanted to be to me. I've come home and my Dad has thrown a party. I'm in agreement in a deeper way that all He is and all He has, is mine, because I'm His. It's like my spirit is shouting yes! I believe you. Not because I should, but because I actually do. I feel settled, like Someone's perfectly strong, capable hand is resting on my heart. I'm not alone, trying to do what I can with my goodness. I'm overcome by His goodness. I feel rich and I'm eating the best food.

I've read so many Bible verses for so many years and believed them the best that I could. But now I keep having those moments where what I'm experiencing is what I've read about in the Bible and inside I'm jumping up and down shouting, "this is what that is".  Even as I'm writing now, so many past prayers are coming to mind. Things I've told God I wanted to experience. And this is that. Man it's overwhelming in the most wonderful way. I'm blown away by His faithfulness. He is so kind and so patient. And He holds my heart so gently. I feel so taken care of by Him. It's so good to be the kid and let Him be the parent. I've desperately wanted to know how to receive like this, to rest like this. And now the tears won't stop.

Grace

I can't believe it's been two years since I posted! I don't even know exactly what I want to write about but I feel like writing because I feel like changing. And writing is one of those things I always tell myself I want to do more of but then don't. So here I am writing.

I've been really loving the way I'm experiencing God's grace lately. When I take the time to notice it, it's like I can swim around in it. Or eat it up like it's a feast in front of me. I like analogies, what can I say? Cause it's also like the most wonderful present that I'm squeezing as if I'm 4 and just got my dream doll.

Grace is so powerful. It's powerful because it's perfect love. When you're perfectly loved what more do you need? Love, as defined in Corinthians, always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  I love how strong and secure that is.  I'm taking in grace in new ways and in turn I'm being loved in a fuller and deeper way.  I'm starting to believe more of the truth my mind has known for what seems like forever. I'm making small changes from an overflow of the work of grace in my spirit. Not from a place of "I should" do this or that. Grace causes me to trust and trust causes me to relax. It truly is amazing grace.

Failure is a friend

I think I'm learning a lot. And I think I'm learning even more than I realize which is the way I think it usually works. When life is challenging and you live in a constant state of wondering how you can do what you need to do, you either give up or you change. I'm definitely changing. Although I've had many days where I've wanted to give up. So much so that I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. The weight of so many varying responsibilities and the fear that you're failing in every area is not a happy place to live.

I think I'm through that dark forest though of wondering if I'm going quit. And by quit I mean just drop everything and throw my hands up. I'm not saying I want to continue to do the Kids' Directory forever but I feel fairly confident that I will be able to walk away from this season in my life knowing that I did my very best and gave it my all.

I've been so afraid of failing my whole life. I've never wanted to disappoint, anyone. I avoided situations that would allow for failure as much as I could. This is terribly unfortunate because as I am learning, failure can be a friend. On any level. I feel like I failed for about 8 months with the Kids Directory. It has been so hard to keep going and not just throw in the towel. I really have hated doing something that feels so hard. However, all along I have felt like this is a part of my journey. A part of the process of me growing into who I want to become.

I want to be hopeful in the face of disappointment. I want to trust even though I feel like dispairing. I want to be someone who gets up time and time again every time I'm knocked down. Not just in the big life changing times, but on a daily basis. If I hear ten "no's" today, I want to believe that tomorrow can be different. That's hard. And it even hurts sometimes. It almost feels like physical pain when I've felt so discouraged. I know that this experience with the Kids' Directory is not just about the Kids' Directory though. Everything I'm going through and learning is about life. Is about how I live my life. It's great to realize that life isn't about feeling like you're doing everything perfectly. Failure is a given. For everybody. The more you risk, the more you fail. But then the more you can succeed.

I've been saying it since I was a teenager and I still feel it today. I want to do it all. I want to do everything that I am capable of with the grace of God. Who knows what that will entail in the next 60 or so years that I have left on this earth, but I do know that this season in my life is critical. And what's critical about it is who I choose to put my trust in. And whether or not I catch on to the big picture and let my eyes and my heart be lifted by the One who has carried me. I think I'm moving in the right direction. Now it's just living in the process, day in and day out.

Interior design

I've been thinking a lot about interior design lately. Not about getting into it professionally, just about my hangups with it, what my house says about me, that kind of stuff. I've been thinking about how designing a room feels utterly overwhelming to me. Almost suffocatingly so. It's like I get this tightness in my heart and my throat. Sounds dramatic right? Well, I'm not actually close to suffocating when I think about it, that's just a good description for the internal reaction I have. Weird I know. Especially when I look at a friend's blog who is an interior designer and I see pages and pages of different rooms. They're all different and she likes them all. How does she decide what goes in her house? How does she make all of those decisions? It's baffling. I think the way I feel about trying to design a room is indicative of how I feel about life. I don't like making decisions. I'm afraid of failing. I'm nervous about making the wrong choices. Even when it comes to things like what picture frames would look best.

I feel like I have this creative, dynamic person inside of me that's wanting to come out. She's wanting to come out and make more decisions about things that don't matter that much. Maybe take a risk with color choices or what does or doesn't go together. I want to enjoy designing and creating. I don't though, I fear it.

Looking at my family room right now it's depressing. It's sad that the thing that comes to mind is how ugly it is. With that thought is the following thought that it will always be that way. The suppressed creative person I am has a hard time envisioning things that aren't already there. I love seeing pictures of beautiful rooms or beautiful clothes. I just want someone to snap their finger and make my house or wardrobe look like that. I can't believe that my room that currently is so drab could look beautiful.

I know that I need to start believing that I capable of creating beautiful things and not just assign that activity to other more obviously creative people. People who ooze original ideas, style, and design. I know that it takes listening to myself, it takes time looking at things I do and don't like so I know the difference.

This focus on design is not simply about decorating that's for sure. It all started when God spoke to me about the power of knowing that I've been designed. When someone is designing something there is thought and intent and so much planning. There's dreaming involved and there's a specific outcome that is desired. God is my designer. I am his room. The room isn't supposed to just be functional. It's supposed to say something. I'm allowed to say something with my space. The space I live in, walk around in, and relate in. Wow. This is something I will be meditating on for a while. I want my space, both internally and externally to say beautiful, wonderful, peacefilled, dynamic things.

I love Jesus. Jesus brings a sense of both peace and purpose. Peace in the here and now, purpose that allows me to dream beyond myself. My agony over and my ponderings about design don't leave me hopeless. I know I'm lacking but I know that new things are growing. New thoughts, new ways, new ideas for my space. It's amazing how Jesus continues to move forward with me in my journey to know myself and know Him better. I love being comfortable with discomfort now...at least for the most part. I feel grateful for the grace I am feeling right now. Grace that empowers and strengthens. Grace that goes into the lowest and driest of places and makes them flourish. I need more of that. I need more of my Jesus and less of my disbelief.

Writing a great story

I have been fasting sugar/desserts for three weeks now and I have about three weeks to go. It's amazing how much I crave it. Well, not as much now, but tonight I had bought candy for Josh and the kids to eat while watching a movie. My mouth was literally watering as I passed it out. Everything in me just wanted to put one piece in my mouth. The funny thing about fasting is that no one is keeping me from eating it. God isn't going to strike me down if I stop fasting and he's not even going to be mad. I think he'd be disappointed but that's different.

Fasting sugar was something I felt God challenge me to do when I realized how dependent on it I've become. I love sugar, chocolate, dessert, all of it. I have a huge sweet tooth you could say. But I don't mind that so much as I mind my emotional attachment to it all and the way I use it. I don't want to use food. I just want to enjoy food.

I also just finished Don Miller's book "A million miles in a thousand years" and I'm inspired to live a really great story. To have a great story the character has to be challenged, has to have some kind of adversity to overcome. It may not seem like a huge challenge but doing anything for forty days is a challenge for me. Let alone not eating sugar for that long. I'm not always the most disciplined person and can be quite easy on myself in some ways. I've had to struggle this weekend with giving in to my desire to eat treats (as Noelle calls any sugar/dessert). I have struggled with the reasoning that I should be allowed to eat candy with my family while watching a movie. We're snowed in for crying out loud! Like I deserve to indulge myself because it's just not fair. Who was I arguing with anyway? Again, no one made me do this. I could have given in, and I really almost did. But why? Why not live a better story and force myself to change. Why not walk away from this fast knowing that I did something I have never done before and that I'm better for it.

There are so many things that I can miss out on by giving myself an easy out. Great stories do not happen when the character decides to take it easy on herself and not push herself too hard. I want to allow discomfort, pain, and risk in my life. I want to know what it's like to continually do things that I'm not sure that I can do. I have learned so much in the last year and a half of doing Kids' Directory because it's been painful. I've been scared to call businesses, miserable with the weight of the responsibility, and just uncomfortable beyond belief with almost all aspects of it. Sounds like something you'd like to sign up for right? Yeah, me neither. And to be honest I don't think I'd do it again. However, I am more self-aware, more dependent on Jesus, communicate more honestly with Josh, and know that I can push myself. All of these things I have desired and even prayed for. So, did God answer my prayers through this really uncomfortable, even painful experience? Yes, I think he did. He didn't cause my pain but I allowed myself to be in a situation that I would be uncomfortable and he was then able to take it from there.

So I guess a lot of things are coming together for me in my heart and spirit right now. I feel like I've learned what I need to from Kids' Directory and will be happy when it is sold. But I don't want to stop doing things that are hard and that challenge me to push myself outside of that which I know I'm good at and can do. Who knew I could sell advertising? That I could start a publication and actually get people to want to give me their money? What else can I do that I haven't done yet? I'm getting excited to see what God has for me next. There are ideas and dreams that have been in my heart for many, many years. I'm looking forward to the next chapter in my story that I believe will bring me closer to these dreams being fulfilled.

They're not dreams of stardom, or finding a cure for cancer...although both would be exciting for sure. I dream of providing homes for people. Not building houses, but rather providing individuals with families. This is my passion. Deep down inside of me, this is what moves me. Foster care and adoption moves me. Mentoring programs move me. Any kind of orphanage/group home, moves me. Someone not having and then having. I want to invest in lives. I want to create environments where other people can invest in lives. It's all so involved and so complicated. It's easy to just wonder how it will ever happen or when it could ever be the time. But I know it's there in me.

It's like there's a person in my future that I can't wait to meet. I see her in my minds eye. She's holding her arms open and she's smiling. There's so much to give away. So much love, so much care, so much purpose. There are mouths to feed and thirsty souls to quench, but it's not overwhelming. She stands in Love, beside Love, giving Love. He's their water, he's their bread, and what he gives never runs out. There's peace in that woman I see. Confidence in a God who both gives and takes away. Assurance that this life is not her own, and that the One who called her can carry her and can complete every good work he has planned for her. That's a character I want to be, that I am becoming.

I know that God is sitting on the edge of his chair (well throne I guess) looking to see if I'm going to take him up on his offer to write a great story with me.

And the great thing about that is that I get to make that choice everyday.