A little more honesty

I didn't know when I started writing tonight if it would be just for myself or if I would post it. I figured though that humility is a good thing and if it helps anyone else feel like they're not alone in failing, well then that's a good thing too...

I feel like I’m losing. I’m losing my battle to pray everyday. Plain and simple. I have failed again to follow God’s leading. He asked me a while ago to pray from 10 to 10:30 each night (I need things to be set for them to happen) and I have pushed it aside except for a couple of occasions. I have excused myself somehow. I have rationalized why it’s okay that I haven’t done this. God is a God of seasons…I know this. I also know that this is supposed to be a season of me seeking God in a new way. Of not making excuses for why I don’t pray more. For not being a slave to my comfort and my busy schedule anymore.

It’s so hard because on one hand I can be so hard on myself, which can drive me away from Jesus even more. So then I remember that he loves me and I don’t have to be perfect and I feel better. The problem is when I stop at feeling better and don’t actually do what I want to do. I can go from one extreme to the other and then never get anything accomplished.

I’m supposed to be praying…I need to pray. To really pray. Not just throwing up prayers throughout the day (even though that’s good to do) or taking five minutes to read my Bible and reflect for a moment. God is pulling on me. He’s challenging me during this time. But He’s not challenging me to run a marathon or find the cure for cancer. No, He’s simply asking me to pray. To pray and then watch what he can do through my prayers. He wants to show himself to me, that’s all. Well maybe that’s not everything but that’s a part of it.

This reminds me of a lesson God taught me when I was on my DTS with Youth With a Mission. It was the last week and we had just gotten back from our outreach (I had gone to Papua New Guinea, not that this matters). I was in Texas and it was on a ranch and there was a loop around the property where you could walk. There was a lot of land. I’m terrible with numbers so I don’t know exactly how many acres but it was huge. One night I was in the dorm hanging out with friends but I felt like going outside. I had this crazy thought that I should take a walk around the loop and talk to God because he had some things he wanted to show me. It was completely dark out, again it was nighttime. I was thinking, there’s no way, that would be SO scary. I didn’t even think I could do it. During this conversation in my head, Jesus puts his two cents in. I feel him speaking through my thoughts.  He says something like, “you don’t have to go, I won’t be angry or even disappointed, it’s up to you. You can stay and you won’t have lost anything but you also won’t know what you would have learned or experienced if you did go.” It was great too because I really felt like there wasn’t any pressure. He wouldn’t be holding anything against me if I didn’t do it. I was free to decide whether to risk being extremely uncomfortable in the dark and have an amazing time with God or just go back inside as if nothing had happened. Crazy as it was, for me at least, I decided to take the risk and go for the walk. As I walked, I started singing. Now as most of you should know, I don’t sing well. It is not a normal occurrence for me to sing by myself with the chance of someone hearing me.  However, I sang new songs that came to me as I started to connect with God’s plan for me during that walk. When I came to an especially creepy part of the walk, the part where there are trees on either side of the loop, my resolve to go forward had to get stronger. It was cool though because as I was walking I saw this life lesson unfolding before me.

There are going to be a lot of things that God will ask me to do and the choice will ultimately always be mine. He won’t love me any less if I don’t do them, and I will still spend eternity with Him, and so on. However, I will never know the amazing things that could have come from my action if I don’t take the risk and say yes. I never felt so close to Jesus as I did that night walking around the loop in the dark. He was so present with me I really knew he was walking with me. I can't describe well enough the impact that walk with Jesus had on me.

I want to say yes again. I want to find out what’s out there in the dark if I would just be brave enough to take Jesus’ hand and walk. I know it'll be worth it.  

Noelle the giraffe

This post is inspired by a cute thing that Noelle did at nap time today. Noelle had been up in her room for quite some time supposedly going to sleep. However, it was evident by the frequent sounds of footsteps and giggles or singing, that there was not much sleep going on. I had resigned to the fact that she would not be falling asleep today but then it was quiet for a little while. Laura stopped by around that time and had to get something of hers she had left upstairs. She comes downstairs with a smile on her face and so I ask her if Noelle is asleep. She says yes and that she is in her giraffe costume asleep in her bed. So at some point Noelle had put on her giraffe costume, climbed back in bed and fell asleep. I couldn't resist taking pictures of course even at the risk of waking her up.  

Later when she woke up she was being shy...Jenna was over...so she didn't want to come downstairs. She was being grumpy as well as shy so she curled up in a ball and this is the shot we got from downstairs.

I also took some cute pics of Josh and the girls so I thought I'd post those as well. I know they are my kids but don't you want to just squeeze them?!!!

Delaware Kids' Directory

*Charis Latshaw featured on the Nov. cover*

For those of you who don't know much about my business I thought I would explain a little more. Hopefully it won't be too boring : )  So, Kids' Directories (www.kidsdirectories.com) are in over 100 cities across the nation and how you start yours is you buy a license for your area. Delaware was not taken yet, so we got to buy the license for Delaware. Usually, you get a city or a city and the surrounding area. Nope, not us, we get the whole state : )  I guess they didn't think anyone else would take just lower Delaware.  

A Kids' Directory is a free, digest sized, resource guide for parents. It's all advertising for anything kid (or mom) related. I have photographers, ice rinks, theatres, dance companies, work-at-home businesses, kids' entertainment (bowling, inflatables, etc.), non-profits, martial arts, and many more.  It's a monthly, full color, publication that I get to hand deliver myself (with some help of course). We will be distributing them to pediatricians/pediatric dentists offices, libraries, Boys & Girls Clubs, YMCA's, hospitals, maternity/kids retail stores, OB/GYN offices, women's doctors' offices, all our advertisers businesses, salons...the list goes on and on since we have 10,000 to deliver each month.

My job includes many things since it's pretty much a one-man show (or one-woman in my case). I am responsible for contacting potential advertisers and meeting with them (if I can get a hold of them and then convince them to let me stop by for a few minutes). I really love meeting with people in person so much more than having to talk to people on the phone. Once I can get a meeting I am good to go, for the most part. I really hate making the cold calls and trying to get the initial meeting. Businesses get bombarded by people wanting them to advertise so many business owners are a little guarded about using up their precious time on something they're assuming won't work for them. What's great about the Kids' Directory is that it is so targeted and there is nothing like it in the area. Of course we have some competition but they are newsprint and are focused on articles related to kids/families with some advertising in them.

Another part of my job includes working with my graphic artist to get the ads created or redesigned and then get the directory laid out. I don't do any of the designing, I leave that to the professional, but I do put in my two cents here and there. I am the go between for the graphic artist and the advertiser. I have to get approval from the advertiser once their ad is completed.

There's more involved of course with running your own business but that's the idea anyway. We will have our website up by next week hopefully so you could check it out then. It's www.delawarekidsdirectory.com

I hope that wasn't too boring for everyone (all three of you reading this). Jamie I was a little long getting this up but hopefully that gives you a better idea of what I'm doing : )  I'll write more of the personal side of it, as far as the ups and downs, at another time. Time for bed before Maddie gets up... 

Honesty

I love honesty. I love honesty within myself, I love honesty between myself and God, I love honesty with those I love.  I’m having a moment of wanting to be really honest about the way I fail. I’ve learned to love being okay with falling short. The only way to feel okay with this of course is to know that there’s Someone who doesn’t fall short and doesn’t respond according to what I deserve. 

I still hate it when I don’t take the time I need to with God or don’t give him my attention throughout the day in the way that I know blesses him as well as me. It’s not that I love my shortcomings but rather I love being in the place where I can look honestly at myself and still feel completely loved and valuable. This hasn’t always been the case, and remembering how I used to feel about falling short reminds me of how far God has brought me. This is especially encouraging when I feel like I’m still in the same place of wishing I was doing more of what I want to with God. 

So more about how I fail…I fail to be patient with Noelle sometimes when she wants to ask the same question twenty times in a row…I fail to trust Jesus that he is truly taking care of us…I fail to trust Josh’s heart towards me sometimes and jump to conclusions.  I fail to have dialogue with my God in the way that I know I can…I fail to pray for those that I love. I fail to cast all my cares on Jesus…I fail to ask for what I need. It’s amazing to start listing them all because I could keep going and going. And the weird part is that it’s truly not depressing, it really is so liberating. It’s so crazy that I can fail in so many ways and on a daily basis and yet every day I have a million chances to make a different choice. Even if I didn’t have very much dialogue with God today…tomorrow I could talk to him all day long. Today, even though I may have carried anxiety and stress that I don’t have to…tomorrow I could throw it all at the feet of Jesus and he won’t think a thing about how I didn’t do it today. Jesus is the most of aware of my human nature, most aware of how very often I fall short. And yet he is the most able to respond in love, to respond in forgiveness and with grace. 

It’s weird that the best way to feel good about yourself isn’t to make up excuses or rationalize why what you do isn’t that bad. That someone else is worse than you and that you’ve tried your best.  One way I picture the way I want to be is that I’m in a room with Jesus and all my failings and shortcomings are in the room too. I’m not squirming or ashamed…my eyes aren’t downcast and hoping Jesus doesn’t see through me. No, I’m sitting there peacefully, fully aware that no matter how full that room is with my failings, Jesus’ love and joy over my life doesn’t change. I’m looking Him in the eyes and there’s an exchange of love, of understanding…I’m the sinner and He’s the Savior. There’s nothing to hide, nothing to try and justify. I fail and He doesn’t. Isn’t that great?

Noelle and Jesus

Noelle and I have been talking a lot more about Jesus and God lately and it has brought about some priceless questions and answers. The main focus lately is on explaining how Jesus is always with her even though she can't see him. On the way to her dance class last week we were talking about God, I can't remember why exactly, but I was trying to explain to her how Jesus is in heaven but he's also here with us. A tricky concept for those of us over 3 and even trickier for her. When talking about him being in heaven she very assertively said..."well I think he should come back".  I got to inform her that he thinks he should come back too, and in fact that is exactly what he will do someday!  She was glad to hear that what she thought was correct. After talking some more about Jesus being in us...she proceeded to ask "is Jesus in my belly?"

Tonight we were at church for a women's retreat and at the end Noelle was in the meeting for a little while when the speaker was praying for someone and they used the word 'broken'. Well, Noelle doesn't miss a thing and this started a continual slew of questions like "is that lady broken?", "are they gonna fix her?". After we talked some more about what it meant to be broken and to pray to Jesus for him to fix us I asked her if she is ever broken and needs Jesus to fix her. She said "yeah somedays...well, no people can't be broken, just glass (pronounced "grass" by her". If you step on it you might break it". Ahhh...the mind of a three-year-old.

Another funny God story also occurred tonight.  She has heard the word mercy before on her VeggieTales show 'Jonah' and tonight during worship one of the songs had the word mercy in it. Noelle asked me "who's mercy mom". I explain what mercy is...it's when someone is mean to you but you are nice to them instead of being mean back to them...she thinks about it and asks a good question. "Does God show us mercy?" My heart leaps and of course I say yes, yes he does...I'm thinking "wow she really gets it...I don't know how she gets it but she does". A little time passes and she asks another question "is it a puppy?". I'm thinking "she can't still be talking about mercy" but I ask anyway "is who a puppy?" "Mercy" Noelle answers back with a little smirk on her face. Well, I thought she had the concept anyway!

I love getting to talk to Noelle about God and have her ask good questions. It challenges me to find really simple ways of explaining very complicated realities.  I've always prayed for her from the time I was pregnant with her and have talked to her about God but things are changing for her and her ability to engage in a conversation about it. She is also starting to pray such sweet prayers. I think she has a very compassionate heart and likes to pray for people. It's so wonderful as her mom who has invested time praying for her and speaking truth to her, to start seeing this little daughter of God start to respond to Him in an outward way that I can see. I can't wait for the next questions or the next prayers. It really does remind me of how close Jesus is to us because when she prays there is no doubt in my mind that Jesus is listening.

part 2- oops

I forgot the funniest picture. Maddie looks a little crazy : )

good times with the girls

Here are the pictures as promised last night. Maddie and I had fun doing our own little photo shoot. Now, I am not the expert picture taker of myself (I know some of you have mastered the art...you know who you are...lol) but I thought it would be fun to have some pictures of the two of us since I'm always the one taking pictures. The pictures of Noelle with the shirt on her head was her idea because she saw Madeline's pictures with her shirt on her head and thought she needed some pictures like that as well : )  

I have to start carrying around a notepad so that I can write down the funny things that Noelle says through out the day because now when I sit down to think of them, they are evading my memory.  

Young Marrieds

Yeah! We had our first Young Married's small group tonight and it went really well! I'm so excited that we are really doing it. We have a great mix of couples...ones who have been coming to the church for a long time, ones who have been coming for only two weeks, and a lot in between. The range for length of marriages is also really varied, from 2 months to 10 years. It seems though that the majority have been married between 3-6 years. We had about 12 couples come tonight which was bigger than I anticipated but I was pleasantly surprised. It was fun meeting new couples and I'm so glad that new couples have a place now to get connected quickly with other couples. For the first 6 weeks we are going through Gary Smalley's series "I Promise" and it seems like it's going to be really good. We did the first DVD tonight and everyone seemed to really like it. 

After watching the 20 minute DVD we break up into two small groups to discuss the lesson and I love that our small group is talkative. Right off the bat people gave really good answers and seemed fine with sharing. I know we have the best group already- jk- I'm just competitive so it just comes natural to think that way : )     

I know I'm just giving commentary really and someday in the near future I will write a more thoughtful, soul-searching post but I have felt like I don't have it in me right now because I'm not in that mode. When I get into my work mode of having to get things done I get very focused on being concise and I think that's coming out in my posts since I always post late at night after I've been working. 

After tomorrow though I won't be up late working...at least for a little while  : ) 

I think I'll post some cute pics of the girls tomorrow because I can't do it tonight. One more thing...Maddie laughed tonight with me and it almost made my heart burst! She has laughed with Josh but only a really small one with me up until tonight. Man...it is the most wonderful thing in the world to hear your child laugh some of her first laughs!  It's the sweetest sound : )  

Our first deadline

Wednesday is the final deadline for our first Delaware Kids' Directory publication! Am I worried whether it's going to get done in time? Yeah a little. Our graphic artist is great but he is really laid back and I know he has a ton of work to do in the next few days. I only have two things to get to him tomorrow and then it's all up to him.  I like working with him because he is so laid back but then when it comes to deadlines that makes me a little nervous. I am confident though that he is going to do what he has to do but I hate to think that he's going to be swamped with work for the next few days. Josh keeps reminding me that he has had a lot of time to get most of the work done so if he has waited that is his own fault. I agree, it's just easy for me to feel like I should have done something differently.

I am so excited for Wednesday when I don't have to think anymore about selling ads or getting ads ready or any of that for at least a couple of weeks. And I'm even more excited to see our first directory when it is printed. We'll have them in about two weeks. 

This whole adventure of starting this business has been quite stressful and difficult at times but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and seeing that it really is going to be worth it. What has been great is that I've seen that I can do it. What I was most worried about was whether or not I could actually sell ads. There was a big possibility that no one was going to want to spend their hard earned money on advertising in our unknown kids directory. Thankfully, by the grace of God, about twenty people are advertising in our directory which I've heard is really good for your first one. I'm half shocked and completely grateful that I didn't fall on my face. It's so cool to have worked really hard for this and to be so close to seeing the first fruits of my labor!

Editor-in-chief

This is my title whenever Josh is in school. For those of you who don't know, Josh started his masters in education this year. This means that I started school as well : )  If Josh is in school, than so am I.  I guess that's not really true but when he has a lot of papers to write it feels like it. I have to edit almost anything he writes, and while his writing has improved since the time I first starting editing his papers back when we were newlyweds, it still requires quite a bit of time. I do not say this to put Josh down (Josh you know I would never do that) I just happen to be quite busy myself these days so this just adds to the list of things that I have to do in a day. His masters though will not only benefit him but will benefit me as well, monetarily that is, so maybe I shouldn't complain about it. Josh would agree I think : )

Again it is late...this time due to editing rather than my own work...but it is late non the less so this will be another short post. 

Madeline

I am exhausted and I am impressing myself that I'm even posting anything but when I was looking through some pictures I saw these of Maddie and had to share them. Who can look this cute with a shirt on their head? The profile one is hilarious because her face looks so chubby! 

I have a choice to make now because it is late and I should go to sleep but I could keep doing work for the Kids' Directory since my graphic artist needs everything I can give him by tomorrow. To work or to sleep...that is the question. I think sleep may win out tonight because Maddie will be waking up too soon for my liking.

Noelle's famous quote

I'm not sure how this whole blogging thing will turn out but I thought I'd give it a try.  I'm not promising to be as faithful as Jessica but I think I can do better than Jonathan.  No hard feelings Jonathan...it was just an easy comparison : )I guess I should explain the name of my blog for those of you who don't already know. My oldest daughter, Noelle, repeatedly uses this phrase as an answer to any number of questions. For example, if you asked her if she likes bananas she might reply with a shrug of her shoulders and a nonchalant answer of "some days, some not".  Or if asked if she is a good girl (in the context of obeying) she may also respond with her answer of  "some days, some not".  I hope the humor in this is not just obvious to myself and Josh who are her parents and therefore think most everything she does is funny. For Josh and I this is one of the most endearing things she says and we often find ourselves quoting her when there is no better answer to be found than a simple "some days, some not".  Feel free to use this phrase when you are asked a question and a "yes" or "no" will just not cut it. I'm sure Noelle wouldn't mind and if you're talking to Josh or I, you can be guaranteed a good laugh.