There's a song called "Beauty Will Rise" and I love it. I love it for so many reasons. One of the things that stands out is the way it builds in the middle and he sings repeatedly about "this is our hope, this is our promise". There's something about hope and promise that is so powerful. This part in the song compels me to stop what I'm doing, if it's up loud enough, and full out sing and really engage with the truth of the words. It usually involves a quick dance as well, because what song doesn't if it really engages me?

Saying that we have hope in the midst of pain or hardship is like we're putting ourselves right in the middle of a battle. The battle over our heart. Thinking, saying, singing, or shouting our hope, the hope that rests in the goodness of Jesus, is like raising a sword and declaring to the enemy swarming around us that we're not going to lay down and die with our troubles. It's kind of a crazy thing though. Hope isn't actually a thing. Hope is unseen. This sword I picture is being raised in righteous defiance. The sword is actually hope itself. Hope is strong. Promise is full of life.

I'm not strong on my own. My strength, enduring strength comes from trusting in the goodness and provision of my God, my Redeemer. This enables me to raise my sword and shout about hope and promise.

Change;

I know that some things in our life need to change and are going to change. Primarily the over busyness. The problem is that it's not a simple thing or something that can be done quickly. Mainly, I need to go from having three jobs down to two. Right now I am a full-time mom, I publish the Kids' Directory, and I help with our Jus business. On top of this we lead the Young Marrieds small group, Josh has a job and is going to start coaching as well, he's in grad school, he leads a guys group...that's not everything even but I'll stop there.

I'm hoping to eliminate the Kids' Directly at some point in the near future...maybe in the next six months. The plan is sell to put it up for sale in the next four months or so. If we can sell it for what we want to, it'll be amazing. If we can't, well, I guess we'll take it as it comes.

I've been dreaming some lately of how my life would look if I didn't have to be so busy trying to make enough money to help pay our bills. I think first of our Young Marrieds' group and how much more time I would have to invest in planning for it, as well as investing more time in the great people who come. I want to have the time to really get to know some of the people I don't know very well. To say "what are you doing this morning? come over and we can talk while the kids play". That sounds like heaven. Besides just having time for friends, I have a dream of pastoring...really pastoring. I love people. I love knowing people. Knowing what makes them happy, what is really hard in their life right now, and how I can be an encouragement to them.

I've been so busy, I feel like I've lost some of my joy. The joy that comes when you're doing what you love and feeling fulfilled by it. Being a mom is really fulfilling for me. However, being a mom that is too busy and too stressed about getting everything done is just sad. Being a good friend is fulfilling for me. Being a friend that doesn't have time to hang out is terribly frustrating. I could go on...this way of feeling has been my life for the last two years.

I know that God does things in seasons and I know that the seasons are getting ready to change. I'm kind of saying this in faith because I know it in my spirit but I just haven't seen with my eyes what it's going to look like or how it's going to happen. I know that I'm always going to be "busy" with something. I'm just ready for it to not be at ridiculous levels and to be busy doing things that are more fulfilling for me than the Kids' Directory.

I always feel like I could write so much more but I guess I'll leave it at that since I should go to bed.

A lot of soul searching

Man, I can be so complicated sometimes. I usually consider myself a fairly uncomplicated person because I'm not high-maintenance and I like things to be simple. However, when I start becoming aware of the complexities of my spirit and soul and how my beliefs about myself, God, and others dictate my actions, then I feel complicated.

That's where I'm at right now. I'm seeing a lot about myself that I've known but now it's a bigger picture that makes more sense. Even though it's making more sense it doesn't take away from the fact that it's complicated. What's so complicated about it is attempting to change those things that are becoming clearer with time and grace.

This past year of running the Kids' Directory, practically on my own, has been trying to say the least. It has brought out things in me I have not liked. I have prided myself on being laid back, not easily angered, and just an all around positive person. This past year I have struggled to be any of those things, mainly within my family. The responsibility of finding advertisers, having meetings, delivering the directories, having to present myself and my business in a professional way, it has taken it's tole on me. This on it's own would have been difficult for me because I'm not naturally a business minded person, but coupled with the fact that I've had a three year old and an infant that I'm taking care of as well has been overwhelming.

I realized I can go for a few months of just burying my head and doing what I need to do to keep things going but there comes a point that I break. This pattern has happened consistently over the last year. And when I say I break I mean I let myself sit down and have a pity party, big time. I voice my hatred for the Kids' Directory and all things related to it. I voice my desire to be done with it and that this is somehow Josh's fault that I have to do this (it's not his fault just for the record, I chose to do this). I cry and cry and in a way have a mini breakdown.

This last time was one of the worst. I wanted to feel and express every negative thing I had in me towards the Kids' Directory. I wanted to rant and rage even if it was just to God at first. It's easy for me to take on the martyr role and to feel like what I'm doing is for someone else's benefit but that only leads to feeling trapped and bitter. This then leads to my "breakdowns".

What's so amazing to me though is how incredibly important this kind of honesty and openness is to me. Nothing has changed as far as Kids' Directory goes, since I had my breakdown about a week and a half ago. Except that I hired a sales rep today, which is exciting and hopefully going to be a great thing for me! But I say nothing has changed because I knew we were going to be hiring someone then and also, I'm still doing the Kids' Directory. However, I feel so much better now.

I should finish the story though because it wasn't that something magical happened and now I just feel fine. That weekend I was determined to be honest with myself, God, and Josh, no matter how uncomfortable for me. Over the following week I was meditating all the things going on inside of me and then on Sunday I got prayer from some insightful people as well as took time alone with God to process everything. What I walked away with after this time is this...a greater understanding of my beliefs, both good and bad; some truth to start replacing the bad, and a lot of hope that my feelings of being overwhelmed and indecisive and falling short are not the end of the story. That's the beauty of Jesus. He takes what's mine, not what I want to be in ten years, or the perfected version of myself, but me now. He loves me now. He can help me now. He has a plan for my life right now.

One thing that has overwhelmed me in the last year is time. There never is enough time. And when I do have time I never feel like I can use it in the best way. There's always something that doesn't get done and that translates for me into the feeling that I'm always failing at something. Not good or easy for a person that naturally wants a lot of affirmation that I'm doing well. After this Sunday though I believe that the Holy Spirit did something in me that has caused me to change my belief about time. Now when I start getting stressed about my time, I can hear the truth that, "there's enough time". There is a truth there that I'm able to use to combat the stress and anxiety and feelings of failure. And of course this doesn't mean that everything goes according to my plan or I get things done exactly when I want to. But I'm starting to see and experience again the peace that comes from taking a deep breath, believing that there's a Way, and taking whatever step I need to at that moment in my day.

I could write forever about all of this and what I said so far is just the tip of the iceberg for the things I'm working out with God. It's late though and I should go to bed. This is one of those things that I haven't believed I have time for but I'm trying to believe differently because I know it's good thing.

Undecided

I can't decide what I want to write about since I haven't written in so long so I thought I'd just start writing. I've really been trying to enjoy my life despite the busyness of the last few weeks due to the Kids' Directory and Jus. I've found myself able to just do the work that I need to do and not get too stressed about it. I can also enjoy my girls in the midst of trying to accomplish whatever tasks I have to do. I think it goes back to trying to just be in the moment. If I have to make calls for the directory, which I hate doing, I just made the calls without thinking about it too much. If my girls wanted my attention but I really was wanting to write an email, I took the couple minutes to sit and play and then moved onto the email. I didn't do this all the time but enough times that it stuck out to me and was encouraging.

One of the things that HAS been trying lately is our dear, sweet, little Maddie's newly developed screeching ability. I'm convinced that her screeching would try even the most patient of people. I forgot how difficult this phase of development can be when they are barely communicating but they understand so much more than they can tell you. It's exhausting to try and get her not to screech but to use some other more acceptable and less annoying form of communication. She continues to baffle us because we really thought she was going to be a little more laid back than Noelle but so far she is trying her hardest not to be left behind by her very assertive, strong-willed sister. She actually seems a little less phased by discipline and just as determined to do things her own way. Her sense of humor is developing already as well and really enjoys teasing Josh by walking towards him with her arms out to him and then at the last second turning away, smiling all the while because she knows what she's doing.

Since I'm talking about my girls now...I am loving the way the two of them are playing together now. It's so cute that they enjoy each other so much. It's not all kindness and peace though...Noelle likes to tease/torture Maddie by doing things she knows are going to make Maddie angry. And Maddie is more than happy to let Noelle know how she feels about something that bothers her by letting out one of her many screeches or by trying to push Noelle away. I love that they have each other to grow up with and will experience together the joys and struggles of being family.

Divorce...not mine

I watched the show John and Kate plus eight tonight and they announced they were getting a divorce. Watching that show tonight was so heavy and it all felt so wrong. I wanted to jump through the screen and talk to them. I wanted to ask them if they had really done everything they could to save their marriage. Have they gotten counseling? Have they worked to know what each others needs are and how they can meet them? Have they laid aside their own pride and desire to be right for the sake of really hearing the other person?

I in no way have a perfect marriage and I have all of these questions because I know what it takes for Josh and I to work out our differences. Marriage can be hard and I can't even imagine what it would be like to have their lives and to keep their relationship as a priority. Even still, I know there had to be a way. If there was no infidelity and it's just two people who now are "going in different directions" it doesn't seem fair. It's not fair to their children, it's not fair to each other. They promised to love each other until death parted them. They brought eight children into the world. It really doesn't seem like they should be allowed to get divorced. I know that's not a rational thought but that's what it feels like. It's really just so sad to me...I'm crying now even as I'm writing this because it's just all so wrong. It's wrong that those children will be able to watch their parent's marriage fall apart later on in life on reruns of the show. It's wrong and so terribly sad. I feel like I could cry all night for all of them, the parents and the children. Who wants to be alone? Who wants to take care of eight children by yourself? Who wants to break up the team? I know this is horribly depressing but that's how it is. Divorce is horrible. The people who get divorced are not horrible. It's just that the pain caused and the effect is has for a lifetime is unmeasurable.

I wish that something could be done. I wonder if they wish that they had done something differently. Do they regret the show? I would. I would want to go back in time and do it all over again. My heart goes out to them and is truly breaking for their whole family. It's weird how you can have feelings towards people you've never met and don't know you at all.

Jesus, hold each one of them.

What happens?

So I've been pondering a question regarding a situation with my Kids' Directory. I thought I'd share it and see what anyone else has to say about it.

I think I may have missed God's timing in something and I'm just trying to figure out what I think about it all. A woman called me back in December asking if I was hiring any sales reps because she was looking for something part-time. Her current job had just moved her to full-time and she was not happy about it. I told her without thinking about it at all that, no, we weren't hiring but when we needed to hire someone I would give her a call. I thought it was cool that someone was calling me but I "knew" that we weren't at a place to hire someone so that was that.

So fast forward about three or four months and Josh and I are talking about how we really need to hire a sales rep because I'm burnt out on the sales end (it's been coasting since January) and I don't want to put in the time that it's going to take to really keep it going and grow the directory. Of course I think of the woman who had called me and give her a call. We talk a little and she lets me know that she took a job at Delaware Today about a month ago but it's full-time so she'd still be interested in hearing about the job. It took us over a month to schedule a time to meet that didn't have to be cancelled and rescheduled. So we meet last week and I get to hear about her past job and her current job at Delaware Today. From everything I can see about her personality and her experience, she would be such a great asset.

I can't help but wonder if she didn't call me back in December at what could have been the perfect time for both her and I to start working together. To top off my frustration with myself, she tells me at the interview that her boss came to her that day and offered her a part-time, commission only deal where she could work from home mostly. What?! My main angle that I had to take with her was wiped away with this offer from her boss.

Did I miss God's timing? I didn't ask him back when she first called if this was a door he was opening. I just went with my own, natural thinking that it was too soon and I should be doing it myself. I can't help but think though that if she had wanted the job back in January then for one, she wouldn't have taken the Delaware Today job and things would be going better with the directory because she'd be selling more ads than I am.

I know God redeems all things that we allow him to and that he also gives us plenty of chances to make the right choice. I have asked him to forgive me for not even consulting him before and I am praying now as well for this situation. It's just that now it's a lot more complicated and if I were her I think I'd probably stay with Delaware Today. Not because it actually will be a better job for her but just because if you're given the choice between something you already know and can count on and something that is new and not as established...most would opt for the first. Maybe she's a risk taker though and wants a different challenge. Maybe God's still going to open this door. Or maybe not. Maybe I missed the opportunity. Not because he's mean but because I made a decision. I guess we'll see...

Dancing

Yesterday, Noelle and I had a really special moment. I don't know if she was aware of it but I was definitely trying to take as many mental and emotional pictures as I could so that I wouldn't forget.

I was home with the girls and was in the middle of making lunch so I thought it would be nice to turn some music on. I told Noelle I was going to put music on and she said I should put on "pretty music". I thought of Enya and turned on Carribean Blue. Noelle was already sitting at the table eating so I started a little impromtu dancing because it's next to impossible with a song like Carribean Blue playing. Noelle wanted us to take turns dancing so after I got a short little stint on our "stage" she informed me that it was her turn. She proceeded to dance for almost the rest of the song, taking her time with every move she made.

I have been able to watch her dancing evolve over the short amount of time she has been dancing around the house and even though I am her mother and therefore biased, her dancing continues to impress me. When I was sitting on my chair in the kitchen, watching my daughter very seriously move her arms and legs in graceful movements, I had tears in my eyes. She may be 3 1/2 but she already puts so much emotion into her dancing, I was captivated by her. It was beautiful to watch the way she moved her head to follow the movement of her arms, the way she would use every part of her body to do a "move" that was meant to impress. She dances a lot now around the house but this time was especially special because of the focus she had. Also, Noelle is very fickel about whether she wants people watching her so sometimes she is not happy to have an audience. This time however, she looked at me almost throughout the whole dance, smiling at times and looking for the joy she hoped to see. I did not disappoint her in this area. I don't think there could have been more joy or approval expressed in my face than at that moment.

After she finished her turn, she so graciously said it was my turn. As I took my turn showing off my moves for her, she very bluntly told me "that's not how you do it". After I explained that my dancing doesn't have to look like hers she was pretty much ready for me to be done and for her to have a turn again. She preceeded to dance again in the very serious, almost slow motion way that she had done before. Despite being shot down for my attempt at dancing, it really was one of those times I think I will always remember. I want to remember her little face looking at me and the beautifully serious manner in which she chose her steps.

Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to say, whether it be to update my facebook status or to post here, because nothing seems to stand out. But then I wonder why that would be since my life is so full. I am not just sitting around bored, in fact, I have quite the busy life I would say. So why the feeling of having nothing to say? I think it could be that I'm still battling with the belief that what I do is not really that important. I'm not trying to overcomplicate things...that just comes naturally, I don't have to try at all : ) Even if I do tend to look deeply into something that may or may not need to be looked at so closely, I usually come away from the inspection of myself a little more aware of who I am and what I want to change. So about having nothing to say...I also think some of it may have to do with being so busy and distracted by taking care of children and businesses that it takes time to really connect with my own feelings and thoughts about anything outside of children and our businesses. Time is a precious thing that I really don't have a lot of for myself and when I do have some spare time it has in past months been used to watch the couple of shows Josh and I watch together. Our shows are ending as of next week though so maybe I will start using more of my spare time to spend time with God, write, or do something else that's good for my soul.

As I keep thinking about this whole having something to talk about thing, I thought of another reason. I have a strong need to feel the emotion of what I'm writing or else it seems flat and boring. For instance, I was just thinking that I should have written more about our Hawaii trip since I only ended up posting once but since we're not on our trip anymore it doesn't seem like it will be very exciting to write about it now. That's weird though I know because it only happened last week. Well, I will write about some of the highlights soon because I know all my millions of readers are dying to hear about it. I also need to share some funny stuff about Noelle because that girl continues to amaze me.

Ok, so this was me thinking out loud but I'm tired and ready for bed so maybe I will write again soon.

Hawaii!!!

(I tried posting this last night but the pictures wouldn't load so here it is now...)

We are here in Hawaii and even though my eyes feel like they are going to close without my permission I am determined to put up some picutues of our trip so far. The clock says it's only 9:45pm but my body is telling me it's 3:45...that's a big difference.

So we got in yesterday after a very, very long flight in which we were delayed for an hour and a half on the plane in Atlanta. That delay meant we were on that particular plane for over 11 hours! I had to keep reminding myself we were really going land at some point and it really was going to be Hawaii. Yesterday after we arrived I felt so out of it that it all seemed sureal. Seriously I felt like we were in a place where they're trying to make you feel like you're in a place like Hawaii but you're not. No, I'm really in Hawaii I've concluded. This was confirmed today when we visited Pearl Harbor (Jess you would have been in heaven). I was a little distracted by my cranky baby and my cranky husband (he was sick...poor guy) but I did still get to take in the history and the beauty. It's always so neat to stand in a place you've heard about and read about and even seen movies about.

Tonight Jus had a reception for us at our hotel right next to the beach and it was such a beautiful setting. The weather was perfect and besides missing my husband who was in our room sick, it was a fun night. I really have to go to sleep so I will put up the pictures now.

Hanging out with Papa Ralph.

Maddie eating her first ice cream.

The USS Arizona Memorial we took a little boat out to. The remains of the ship are right below the memorial and part of it is sticking out of the water.

The view to the left when standing on a balcony on our floor of the hotel.

The view to the right when standing on that same balcony.

Noelle's wedding

Noelle has been planning her wedding over the last couple of weeks so I thought I'd share some of her plans. Last week she paced around the room with a piece of paper in hand planning her wedding out loud. She talked about it over the coarse of about two hours expounding on the special event with the greatest of detail. She has thought of everything it seems. She changes her mind about somethings like first it was going to be at the church, actually right after church, but then it was going to be at night. Later though she changed it to being in the summer at the beach. There will be phones so people can call, in case any of you were worried about that. The dogs and the cats will play the violins and trombones and xylephones. They will play while she dances and everyone can play at the end she said. Her groom for a long time was Elliot Dunn because well "he's a nice boy". Now however, she has turned her attention to Judah Latshaw. I believe that this switch has to do with a certain little girl that Noelle is jealous of...she's jealous of her being cousins with Judah that is. We'll see how long Judah stays the man of the hour.

So far her bridal party consists of myself, her aunts, and a medley of other women. At this point she has already asked Josh, Pat, and Drew to be groomsmen. Maddie will have the honor of being Noelle's personal cheerleader and cheer for her during the wedding!

One of the funniest things she has added to her commentary on her upcoming wedding is this, "Mom, I'm going to smile at Judah like this...(kind of serious/weird face) on our wedding. He's going to smile at me like this...(same weird face)". I was laughing so hard Noelle wasn't happy that I was laughing, but I couldn't help myself on that one! I wish I could show you her face but the whole thing together is just hilarious!

She also told me lately that she is going to have more kids than me. She started counting, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...and then got distracted by talking some more about what each of the kids names were and how big they are going to be. Seriously, do all kids plan their lives this much? She is already trying to figure out what kind of dog to get for herself, what kind of car to pick out, and has decided to have a pink horse.

Another event that Noelle has started planning is a parade for her birthday. She hasn't gone into too much detail at this point but I'm sure she will let me know all the details as they come to her.

This post was kind of all over but that's how Noelle's plans come out so I guess it's fitting : )

Georgetown with Jess

I started this post about a week ago but am now just remembering to finish it...better late than never right? I feel like I've been saying that a lot lately.

Two Fridays ago, the girls and I drove to Washington, DC (specifically Georgetown) to hang out with Jess for the day. It was really fun to get to have Jess all to ourselves for a few hours. We ate lunch (or breakfast for Jess) and then got cupcakes from a great place called Georgetown Cupcake. It was too small and crowded for me attempt to take Maddie and the stroller into, so Noelle and Jess managed to pick out four delicious cupcakes on their own. And when I say delicious, I mean the best cupcake I have ever had, hands down. It was genius really. From the peanut butter whipped icing to the fudge that filled the middle of the delicious chocolate cake part, it was seriously a cupcake I will never forget. We went to a park after picking up our cupcakes and after Noelle ate some of the icing off of her cupcake she was ready to find some kids to play with. Unfortunately for Noelle, the kids she wanted to play with did not seem very interested in making a huge effort to play with her. This is normal since Noelle is a stranger, but in Noelle's mind all children are potential friends and an attempt should always be made to include her in any activity that is taking place. Even though she was wanting to play, she was being unusually shy and wanted me to do all the work of getting them to want to play with her. I eventually had to explain that they weren't going to play with her and if she was going to have any fun she was going to need to find something else to do. It's hard to know how honest to be with a three year old because I didn't want her feelings to be hurt but she was wasting her time and energy and continually subjecting herself to feeling left out. Sigh...the trials of the playground when you're an incredibly social kid.

It was a fun few hours and it made me wish we had more time but I was happy for the time we did have. It's weird because when I lived in Idaho it wasn't weird that Jess was on tour because I wouldn't have seen her anyway, but now that I'm back in Delaware and she's the one gone it is a completely different experience. It's sad to say goodbye after all of her visits home but what an incredible blessing to have a friend that is like a sister and to know that we have many, many years ahead of us to continue to enjoy our friendship.

By the time we had hugged Jess goodbye and were in the car buckled in, Noelle was asleep. I have never seen her fall asleep that fast. Jess closed the door, I checked my directions and I looked back to see Noelle's eyes closed and her head fallen forward. How great to be a kid and just get to fall asleep while your mom navigates your way home through rush hour traffic : )

I will end this post with some pictures of our day:

Good times

Noelle and I were talking awhile back and I told her how much a I love her and she told me she loved me too. I then said "you're so special" and she said "you're so special too Mom". She walked up to me and climbed on my lap and we hugged. As we hugged she told me very seriously... "Mom, I'll never leave you". My heart felt so full and so in love with this little person who is my daughter. I thought about whether I should explain that she will eventually leave me and probably be happy to do so, but I decided to just enjoy the moment and let her believe this is how it will always be. I love being her mom so much and I love that I will always be her mom even though she will grow up and leave one day.

She's been seeming so old lately. I feel like she should be starting kindergarten in the fall but no if she goes to public school she will have two and a half more years until she starts kindergarten. It feels to me like she's already half grown up!

And then there's Maddie...sweet, smiley, determined Maddie. My little baby is nine months old now and I really do wonder where all the time went. She has the greatest way of interacting with people, from her glorious waving to her array of smiles, she is captivating to say the least. The best present she can give me is to give me the biggest, chubbiest smile she can. The one where her tongue is sticking out, her eyes are squinting, and her chin is squished so beautifully into her neck that her face is at it's fullest. She is a delight in every way. Her personality is already so endearing and I think she's going to be a socialite like her sister.

It's crazy how you live your whole life without your children and then you have them and you can't imagine not knowing them. Even just when we had Noelle, thinking about another baby was so strange because all we knew was Noelle. You know where this is going...now we have Maddie and that's right, I can't imagine life without her. I'm glad I don't have to and that there is the possibility of bringing more wonderful children into our family that we won't be able to imagine life without.

Independence

Noelle said a cute thing the other night so I thought I'd share. We were in her room getting ready for her to take a bath and she very nicely said to me "Mom I'm a big girl so I don't need help with putting my towel on anymore...I don't need my mom, or dad, or granmudder (that's how she says grandmother), or papa...I can do it myself now." I am not one to argue with a three year olds declaration of independence when it has to do with something like using a towel so I agreed with her. Later though when it was time to get out she picked up her towel but changed her mind. She told me that she didn't think she knew how to put her towel on herself and I was actually happy that I had not been relieved of my motherly duty in this area yet. I got to put the little elephant head on her cute little head and wrap her up in her pink elephant towel once again. It's weird though that one day I will not get her out of the bath and put her towel on...someday she will do that all by herself. Until then I will enjoy getting to wrap her up and squeeze her and pretend she is still my little baby.

It's working

I’m happier now. Some of it has to do with my work schedule not being so crazy I’m sure but some of it is definitely Jesus answering my prayers for peace. I am experiencing moments, and even more than moments, where I feel content here in the present. This morning I enjoyed a fun breakfast with my two beautiful, blue-eyed girls instead of accepting the dread that can come in the morning because of the mental list of all my to-dos.  I enjoyed getting to go shopping for a little while with just Maddie while Laura took Noelle. I didn’t let myself think of all the other practical things I could have gotten done instead. I just enjoyed my daughter’s company and had fun being out. I even let myself buy a few things for myself and didn’t buy things for the girls instead. Living in the present instead of wishing I had done more in the past or worrying about what I need to do in the future is going to be life changing for me if I can continue it. It makes each individual day so much more peaceful and fulfilling. I guess Jesus was onto something when he told us not to worry about tomorrow and not to be anxious. 

I have wasted so much mental and emotional energy wishing I had done more or worrying that I won’t be able to do what I need to. I’m happy to say that I am changing. It’s like another piece to the puzzle has been added. All the little steps of asking God to help me and letting the Holy Spirit search me, they have led to a big step where now I can see the progress that’s been made. It feels good. It feels good to know that if I continue to receive the peace that comes with being here in the present, with all the grace I need available to me, this doesn’t have to be just a period of time that I live like this. 

I have always loved the verse “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” There are so many verses that I have known are true for a long time but it’s as I continue to live my life with Jesus that they work themselves into who I am and there is an even deeper “knowing” that it is true. I have presented my requests to God, with some petitioning involved, and his peace is now guarding my heart and mind. So simple, yet so profound. It’s such a basic concept but when it’s actually practiced and worked out in a real way, it’s life changing.  

Peace

One day I hope I can figure out how to live in peace. Peace of mind, peace of soul and spirit. I crave peace right now. I'm struggling with all the busyness in life to find peace, let alone hold onto it. I know this isn't a good sign but then as I realize this I get less peaceful because I know I am failing at being peaceful...sigh. I want to slow down. I want it so badly but there's so much to do. So much to catch up on. So much that's waiting for me, for my attention. I want to relax but how do I when there's never a moment I should be still. Or wait...there are moments that I should be still. I'm just not taking them and using them to find peace. To find the One who gives true peace. 

Life will continue to be very busy. I don't think this will ever change. However, I do need to practice listening to myself in the midst of the busyness to see if there is anything that I can change. It's easy for me not to feel like I have control over things in my life. Of course this is partially true because I can not ultimately control my life. I can however be proactive in making decisions about my day, how I spend my time (to some degree), and what I'm dreaming about for tomorrow. 

I wish it is was easy for me to be assertive in my own life, but it's not. I have to work to do this. A few years ago, God gave me a picture in my mind of how this looks to help me better understand what he needed to change. It looks something like this. My life is a room and I'm a girl sitting in the corner of the room. I'm sitting with my arms wrapped around my knees and I'm waiting. I'm waiting for someone to come in and give me permission to get up...to look around...to do anything. I'm not curious about what's in the room, I just am waiting for someone to tell me what to do. This unfortunately has been a part of me and my approach to life. I say unfortunately because that's a sad picture. I don't want that for either of my girls and thankfully I already know that Noelle does not feel like I do : )  She is quite the opposite and for that I am glad.

I'm learning that I don't need to wait for someone else to have a great idea. I also don't need to wait for someone else to tell me how great of an idea mine was before I can do it. This applies for me in so many ways I would bore you to tears if I kept going. I am in the part of the journey where I see the road I've been on and I'm trying to figure out how to find a new one, the right one that will lead me to a place of fulfillment. 

The good ol' days

Laura was looking through our pictures the other day and put a few on our desktop of Noelle that I thought I'd share. This was by far Noelle's chubbiest phase and it is so endearing to me! I love that it looks like all she ever did was eat : ) She wasn't much older than Maddie in these pictures even though she's much chubbier than Maddie. I can hardly handle the last one! I just want to reach through the computer and squeeze her! And to think that Maddie is going to be 3 just as quickly as Noelle has grown up...all the more reason to cherish every moment with both of them. 

The Shack

I've been reading The Shack and it's been so good in so many ways. I don't know where to start so it's always good for me to start writing about how I don't know what to write : )  It just seems easier that way. There are so many different thoughts going on in my head, which is normal for me, but when I'm trying to write it makes it difficult. I guess that's one of the reasons writing is so good because it makes you sort through and define the mess of thought and emotions. 

That word mess made me think of one part in the Shack when the character who is the Holy Spirit is talking to the main character, Mack, about how his soul is a mess. The Holy Spirit calls the mess of his soul "wild and beautiful and perfectly in process". He (actually she) goes on and says "To you it seems like a mess but to me I see a perfect pattern emerging and growing and alive --a living fractal".  I'd like to think that is something the Holy Spirit would say to me. That he would say something like, "It's okay you don't know how to do everything perfectly, that not everything is perfectly in place and orderly." I feel really overcome with love and gratitude at the way God feels about me and interacts with me. After I was reading tonight I knew God had some things to tell me...to put in my heart.  He knows me. He knows my desires and my heart. He knows I've been pursuing him for as long as I can remember, not perfectly, and not usually the way I would like to, but nontheless, I have pursued him. He knows I love him. He knows me so much better than I know myself. I know that I need to stop feeling like I need to make him and others see that I am really a nice person or that I do really want to do absolutely everything that is possible in my lifetime. I'm 30 years old and I want to be done with trying to prove myself (even if it's just in my head) and I want to get on with living my life. 

Another cool tidbit from The Shack is that Jesus talks about how we are supposed to live in the present but so many of us live in either the past or the future. I am terrible at living in the present and I know this will only hinder me from truly living my life the way that I can. Instead of thinking and planning for how I can make sure to do everything right or already accepting the fact that I can't do everything right and getting discouraged...I could just LIVE! What happens after I hold God's hand and jump isn't up to me. There's so much to accepting the "mess" inside our soul, or that is our soul I should say. It isn't about trying to convince myself that I'm okay, it's about accepting and believing that I am loved. Profoundly. Unconditionally. With no need for a test to see if I live up to a standard. Christine, are you hearing this? Sorry, I just needed to make sure all this preaching to myself isn't going to be in vain : )  

One last thing, even though I could probably write for a lot longer but I need to go to bed. I took a personality test that Josh had to take for one of his classes and reading about myself tied into everything I've been talking about. It's funny to read about yourself in personality tests because on one hand I'm thinking "wow, I sound like a great person". But on the other hand I'm thinking "yeah, that's what I want to be but always feel like I don't quite get there". Tonight when God was speaking to me I felt like he was putting in my heart a sense of reaching out and accepting what I was reading about my personality. Of reaching out and accepting that I love Jesus and somehow, in the midst of my messy soul, he's sitting there basking in the beauty of it all. I don't have to understand or have it all figured out but one thing is for sure...I'm loved, profoundly and unconditionally. 

My girls

I took a few pictures this afternoon of the girls and put them on facebook but thought I'd put up a few on here too. I love the lighting that's why I started taking them, because the lighting was so good. Anyway, here's a few of my favorites.

A quick one

Rach this is for you : )

Yes, I've been slacking big time on any and all blogging but I have to say that I have been extremely busy and then on top of it I've been sick for the last week. I know, I know, it's been months so that excuse doesn't hold up well for the last months I haven't blogged but I thought I'd throw it in for sympathy. 

I never knew life could be so busy and I am trying to figure out how to balance everything. I don't know if this is completely possible but I'm trying and sometimes I have to remind myself that I am trying and pretty hard I might say. Now that the January Kids' Directories are out I am focusing on getting more advertisers for the March/April issues since I just have a few weeks until my next deadline. Where has the time gone? Is it really January 13th? I thought I'd have plenty of time to make calls and get appointments, and I do still have time, but it's practically the middle of January already. Crazy! What's exciting this week with the Kids' Directory is that I have had three people call me wanting to know about advertising so that's really great! It's so nice to have people call me instead of me always calling people. 

I will end this little post with a funny quote from Noelle. Today Noelle got a sad look on her face and said "Mom, I lost my smile". To this I replied "I'm sorry to hear that, where did it go". She said something to the effect of "my lips bit it off"! It was the funniest thing! I tried hard not to laugh about it because she was really serious but I could barely contain myself. Ahhh, Noelle.