Failure is a friend

I think I'm learning a lot. And I think I'm learning even more than I realize which is the way I think it usually works. When life is challenging and you live in a constant state of wondering how you can do what you need to do, you either give up or you change. I'm definitely changing. Although I've had many days where I've wanted to give up. So much so that I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. The weight of so many varying responsibilities and the fear that you're failing in every area is not a happy place to live.

I think I'm through that dark forest though of wondering if I'm going quit. And by quit I mean just drop everything and throw my hands up. I'm not saying I want to continue to do the Kids' Directory forever but I feel fairly confident that I will be able to walk away from this season in my life knowing that I did my very best and gave it my all.

I've been so afraid of failing my whole life. I've never wanted to disappoint, anyone. I avoided situations that would allow for failure as much as I could. This is terribly unfortunate because as I am learning, failure can be a friend. On any level. I feel like I failed for about 8 months with the Kids Directory. It has been so hard to keep going and not just throw in the towel. I really have hated doing something that feels so hard. However, all along I have felt like this is a part of my journey. A part of the process of me growing into who I want to become.

I want to be hopeful in the face of disappointment. I want to trust even though I feel like dispairing. I want to be someone who gets up time and time again every time I'm knocked down. Not just in the big life changing times, but on a daily basis. If I hear ten "no's" today, I want to believe that tomorrow can be different. That's hard. And it even hurts sometimes. It almost feels like physical pain when I've felt so discouraged. I know that this experience with the Kids' Directory is not just about the Kids' Directory though. Everything I'm going through and learning is about life. Is about how I live my life. It's great to realize that life isn't about feeling like you're doing everything perfectly. Failure is a given. For everybody. The more you risk, the more you fail. But then the more you can succeed.

I've been saying it since I was a teenager and I still feel it today. I want to do it all. I want to do everything that I am capable of with the grace of God. Who knows what that will entail in the next 60 or so years that I have left on this earth, but I do know that this season in my life is critical. And what's critical about it is who I choose to put my trust in. And whether or not I catch on to the big picture and let my eyes and my heart be lifted by the One who has carried me. I think I'm moving in the right direction. Now it's just living in the process, day in and day out.