Peace

One day I hope I can figure out how to live in peace. Peace of mind, peace of soul and spirit. I crave peace right now. I'm struggling with all the busyness in life to find peace, let alone hold onto it. I know this isn't a good sign but then as I realize this I get less peaceful because I know I am failing at being peaceful...sigh. I want to slow down. I want it so badly but there's so much to do. So much to catch up on. So much that's waiting for me, for my attention. I want to relax but how do I when there's never a moment I should be still. Or wait...there are moments that I should be still. I'm just not taking them and using them to find peace. To find the One who gives true peace. 

Life will continue to be very busy. I don't think this will ever change. However, I do need to practice listening to myself in the midst of the busyness to see if there is anything that I can change. It's easy for me not to feel like I have control over things in my life. Of course this is partially true because I can not ultimately control my life. I can however be proactive in making decisions about my day, how I spend my time (to some degree), and what I'm dreaming about for tomorrow. 

I wish it is was easy for me to be assertive in my own life, but it's not. I have to work to do this. A few years ago, God gave me a picture in my mind of how this looks to help me better understand what he needed to change. It looks something like this. My life is a room and I'm a girl sitting in the corner of the room. I'm sitting with my arms wrapped around my knees and I'm waiting. I'm waiting for someone to come in and give me permission to get up...to look around...to do anything. I'm not curious about what's in the room, I just am waiting for someone to tell me what to do. This unfortunately has been a part of me and my approach to life. I say unfortunately because that's a sad picture. I don't want that for either of my girls and thankfully I already know that Noelle does not feel like I do : )  She is quite the opposite and for that I am glad.

I'm learning that I don't need to wait for someone else to have a great idea. I also don't need to wait for someone else to tell me how great of an idea mine was before I can do it. This applies for me in so many ways I would bore you to tears if I kept going. I am in the part of the journey where I see the road I've been on and I'm trying to figure out how to find a new one, the right one that will lead me to a place of fulfillment.