Writing a great story

I have been fasting sugar/desserts for three weeks now and I have about three weeks to go. It's amazing how much I crave it. Well, not as much now, but tonight I had bought candy for Josh and the kids to eat while watching a movie. My mouth was literally watering as I passed it out. Everything in me just wanted to put one piece in my mouth. The funny thing about fasting is that no one is keeping me from eating it. God isn't going to strike me down if I stop fasting and he's not even going to be mad. I think he'd be disappointed but that's different.

Fasting sugar was something I felt God challenge me to do when I realized how dependent on it I've become. I love sugar, chocolate, dessert, all of it. I have a huge sweet tooth you could say. But I don't mind that so much as I mind my emotional attachment to it all and the way I use it. I don't want to use food. I just want to enjoy food.

I also just finished Don Miller's book "A million miles in a thousand years" and I'm inspired to live a really great story. To have a great story the character has to be challenged, has to have some kind of adversity to overcome. It may not seem like a huge challenge but doing anything for forty days is a challenge for me. Let alone not eating sugar for that long. I'm not always the most disciplined person and can be quite easy on myself in some ways. I've had to struggle this weekend with giving in to my desire to eat treats (as Noelle calls any sugar/dessert). I have struggled with the reasoning that I should be allowed to eat candy with my family while watching a movie. We're snowed in for crying out loud! Like I deserve to indulge myself because it's just not fair. Who was I arguing with anyway? Again, no one made me do this. I could have given in, and I really almost did. But why? Why not live a better story and force myself to change. Why not walk away from this fast knowing that I did something I have never done before and that I'm better for it.

There are so many things that I can miss out on by giving myself an easy out. Great stories do not happen when the character decides to take it easy on herself and not push herself too hard. I want to allow discomfort, pain, and risk in my life. I want to know what it's like to continually do things that I'm not sure that I can do. I have learned so much in the last year and a half of doing Kids' Directory because it's been painful. I've been scared to call businesses, miserable with the weight of the responsibility, and just uncomfortable beyond belief with almost all aspects of it. Sounds like something you'd like to sign up for right? Yeah, me neither. And to be honest I don't think I'd do it again. However, I am more self-aware, more dependent on Jesus, communicate more honestly with Josh, and know that I can push myself. All of these things I have desired and even prayed for. So, did God answer my prayers through this really uncomfortable, even painful experience? Yes, I think he did. He didn't cause my pain but I allowed myself to be in a situation that I would be uncomfortable and he was then able to take it from there.

So I guess a lot of things are coming together for me in my heart and spirit right now. I feel like I've learned what I need to from Kids' Directory and will be happy when it is sold. But I don't want to stop doing things that are hard and that challenge me to push myself outside of that which I know I'm good at and can do. Who knew I could sell advertising? That I could start a publication and actually get people to want to give me their money? What else can I do that I haven't done yet? I'm getting excited to see what God has for me next. There are ideas and dreams that have been in my heart for many, many years. I'm looking forward to the next chapter in my story that I believe will bring me closer to these dreams being fulfilled.

They're not dreams of stardom, or finding a cure for cancer...although both would be exciting for sure. I dream of providing homes for people. Not building houses, but rather providing individuals with families. This is my passion. Deep down inside of me, this is what moves me. Foster care and adoption moves me. Mentoring programs move me. Any kind of orphanage/group home, moves me. Someone not having and then having. I want to invest in lives. I want to create environments where other people can invest in lives. It's all so involved and so complicated. It's easy to just wonder how it will ever happen or when it could ever be the time. But I know it's there in me.

It's like there's a person in my future that I can't wait to meet. I see her in my minds eye. She's holding her arms open and she's smiling. There's so much to give away. So much love, so much care, so much purpose. There are mouths to feed and thirsty souls to quench, but it's not overwhelming. She stands in Love, beside Love, giving Love. He's their water, he's their bread, and what he gives never runs out. There's peace in that woman I see. Confidence in a God who both gives and takes away. Assurance that this life is not her own, and that the One who called her can carry her and can complete every good work he has planned for her. That's a character I want to be, that I am becoming.

I know that God is sitting on the edge of his chair (well throne I guess) looking to see if I'm going to take him up on his offer to write a great story with me.

And the great thing about that is that I get to make that choice everyday.