There's a song called "Beauty Will Rise" and I love it. I love it for so many reasons. One of the things that stands out is the way it builds in the middle and he sings repeatedly about "this is our hope, this is our promise". There's something about hope and promise that is so powerful. This part in the song compels me to stop what I'm doing, if it's up loud enough, and full out sing and really engage with the truth of the words. It usually involves a quick dance as well, because what song doesn't if it really engages me?

Saying that we have hope in the midst of pain or hardship is like we're putting ourselves right in the middle of a battle. The battle over our heart. Thinking, saying, singing, or shouting our hope, the hope that rests in the goodness of Jesus, is like raising a sword and declaring to the enemy swarming around us that we're not going to lay down and die with our troubles. It's kind of a crazy thing though. Hope isn't actually a thing. Hope is unseen. This sword I picture is being raised in righteous defiance. The sword is actually hope itself. Hope is strong. Promise is full of life.

I'm not strong on my own. My strength, enduring strength comes from trusting in the goodness and provision of my God, my Redeemer. This enables me to raise my sword and shout about hope and promise.

Change;

I know that some things in our life need to change and are going to change. Primarily the over busyness. The problem is that it's not a simple thing or something that can be done quickly. Mainly, I need to go from having three jobs down to two. Right now I am a full-time mom, I publish the Kids' Directory, and I help with our Jus business. On top of this we lead the Young Marrieds small group, Josh has a job and is going to start coaching as well, he's in grad school, he leads a guys group...that's not everything even but I'll stop there.

I'm hoping to eliminate the Kids' Directly at some point in the near future...maybe in the next six months. The plan is sell to put it up for sale in the next four months or so. If we can sell it for what we want to, it'll be amazing. If we can't, well, I guess we'll take it as it comes.

I've been dreaming some lately of how my life would look if I didn't have to be so busy trying to make enough money to help pay our bills. I think first of our Young Marrieds' group and how much more time I would have to invest in planning for it, as well as investing more time in the great people who come. I want to have the time to really get to know some of the people I don't know very well. To say "what are you doing this morning? come over and we can talk while the kids play". That sounds like heaven. Besides just having time for friends, I have a dream of pastoring...really pastoring. I love people. I love knowing people. Knowing what makes them happy, what is really hard in their life right now, and how I can be an encouragement to them.

I've been so busy, I feel like I've lost some of my joy. The joy that comes when you're doing what you love and feeling fulfilled by it. Being a mom is really fulfilling for me. However, being a mom that is too busy and too stressed about getting everything done is just sad. Being a good friend is fulfilling for me. Being a friend that doesn't have time to hang out is terribly frustrating. I could go on...this way of feeling has been my life for the last two years.

I know that God does things in seasons and I know that the seasons are getting ready to change. I'm kind of saying this in faith because I know it in my spirit but I just haven't seen with my eyes what it's going to look like or how it's going to happen. I know that I'm always going to be "busy" with something. I'm just ready for it to not be at ridiculous levels and to be busy doing things that are more fulfilling for me than the Kids' Directory.

I always feel like I could write so much more but I guess I'll leave it at that since I should go to bed.

A lot of soul searching

Man, I can be so complicated sometimes. I usually consider myself a fairly uncomplicated person because I'm not high-maintenance and I like things to be simple. However, when I start becoming aware of the complexities of my spirit and soul and how my beliefs about myself, God, and others dictate my actions, then I feel complicated.

That's where I'm at right now. I'm seeing a lot about myself that I've known but now it's a bigger picture that makes more sense. Even though it's making more sense it doesn't take away from the fact that it's complicated. What's so complicated about it is attempting to change those things that are becoming clearer with time and grace.

This past year of running the Kids' Directory, practically on my own, has been trying to say the least. It has brought out things in me I have not liked. I have prided myself on being laid back, not easily angered, and just an all around positive person. This past year I have struggled to be any of those things, mainly within my family. The responsibility of finding advertisers, having meetings, delivering the directories, having to present myself and my business in a professional way, it has taken it's tole on me. This on it's own would have been difficult for me because I'm not naturally a business minded person, but coupled with the fact that I've had a three year old and an infant that I'm taking care of as well has been overwhelming.

I realized I can go for a few months of just burying my head and doing what I need to do to keep things going but there comes a point that I break. This pattern has happened consistently over the last year. And when I say I break I mean I let myself sit down and have a pity party, big time. I voice my hatred for the Kids' Directory and all things related to it. I voice my desire to be done with it and that this is somehow Josh's fault that I have to do this (it's not his fault just for the record, I chose to do this). I cry and cry and in a way have a mini breakdown.

This last time was one of the worst. I wanted to feel and express every negative thing I had in me towards the Kids' Directory. I wanted to rant and rage even if it was just to God at first. It's easy for me to take on the martyr role and to feel like what I'm doing is for someone else's benefit but that only leads to feeling trapped and bitter. This then leads to my "breakdowns".

What's so amazing to me though is how incredibly important this kind of honesty and openness is to me. Nothing has changed as far as Kids' Directory goes, since I had my breakdown about a week and a half ago. Except that I hired a sales rep today, which is exciting and hopefully going to be a great thing for me! But I say nothing has changed because I knew we were going to be hiring someone then and also, I'm still doing the Kids' Directory. However, I feel so much better now.

I should finish the story though because it wasn't that something magical happened and now I just feel fine. That weekend I was determined to be honest with myself, God, and Josh, no matter how uncomfortable for me. Over the following week I was meditating all the things going on inside of me and then on Sunday I got prayer from some insightful people as well as took time alone with God to process everything. What I walked away with after this time is this...a greater understanding of my beliefs, both good and bad; some truth to start replacing the bad, and a lot of hope that my feelings of being overwhelmed and indecisive and falling short are not the end of the story. That's the beauty of Jesus. He takes what's mine, not what I want to be in ten years, or the perfected version of myself, but me now. He loves me now. He can help me now. He has a plan for my life right now.

One thing that has overwhelmed me in the last year is time. There never is enough time. And when I do have time I never feel like I can use it in the best way. There's always something that doesn't get done and that translates for me into the feeling that I'm always failing at something. Not good or easy for a person that naturally wants a lot of affirmation that I'm doing well. After this Sunday though I believe that the Holy Spirit did something in me that has caused me to change my belief about time. Now when I start getting stressed about my time, I can hear the truth that, "there's enough time". There is a truth there that I'm able to use to combat the stress and anxiety and feelings of failure. And of course this doesn't mean that everything goes according to my plan or I get things done exactly when I want to. But I'm starting to see and experience again the peace that comes from taking a deep breath, believing that there's a Way, and taking whatever step I need to at that moment in my day.

I could write forever about all of this and what I said so far is just the tip of the iceberg for the things I'm working out with God. It's late though and I should go to bed. This is one of those things that I haven't believed I have time for but I'm trying to believe differently because I know it's good thing.

Undecided

I can't decide what I want to write about since I haven't written in so long so I thought I'd just start writing. I've really been trying to enjoy my life despite the busyness of the last few weeks due to the Kids' Directory and Jus. I've found myself able to just do the work that I need to do and not get too stressed about it. I can also enjoy my girls in the midst of trying to accomplish whatever tasks I have to do. I think it goes back to trying to just be in the moment. If I have to make calls for the directory, which I hate doing, I just made the calls without thinking about it too much. If my girls wanted my attention but I really was wanting to write an email, I took the couple minutes to sit and play and then moved onto the email. I didn't do this all the time but enough times that it stuck out to me and was encouraging.

One of the things that HAS been trying lately is our dear, sweet, little Maddie's newly developed screeching ability. I'm convinced that her screeching would try even the most patient of people. I forgot how difficult this phase of development can be when they are barely communicating but they understand so much more than they can tell you. It's exhausting to try and get her not to screech but to use some other more acceptable and less annoying form of communication. She continues to baffle us because we really thought she was going to be a little more laid back than Noelle but so far she is trying her hardest not to be left behind by her very assertive, strong-willed sister. She actually seems a little less phased by discipline and just as determined to do things her own way. Her sense of humor is developing already as well and really enjoys teasing Josh by walking towards him with her arms out to him and then at the last second turning away, smiling all the while because she knows what she's doing.

Since I'm talking about my girls now...I am loving the way the two of them are playing together now. It's so cute that they enjoy each other so much. It's not all kindness and peace though...Noelle likes to tease/torture Maddie by doing things she knows are going to make Maddie angry. And Maddie is more than happy to let Noelle know how she feels about something that bothers her by letting out one of her many screeches or by trying to push Noelle away. I love that they have each other to grow up with and will experience together the joys and struggles of being family.

Divorce...not mine

I watched the show John and Kate plus eight tonight and they announced they were getting a divorce. Watching that show tonight was so heavy and it all felt so wrong. I wanted to jump through the screen and talk to them. I wanted to ask them if they had really done everything they could to save their marriage. Have they gotten counseling? Have they worked to know what each others needs are and how they can meet them? Have they laid aside their own pride and desire to be right for the sake of really hearing the other person?

I in no way have a perfect marriage and I have all of these questions because I know what it takes for Josh and I to work out our differences. Marriage can be hard and I can't even imagine what it would be like to have their lives and to keep their relationship as a priority. Even still, I know there had to be a way. If there was no infidelity and it's just two people who now are "going in different directions" it doesn't seem fair. It's not fair to their children, it's not fair to each other. They promised to love each other until death parted them. They brought eight children into the world. It really doesn't seem like they should be allowed to get divorced. I know that's not a rational thought but that's what it feels like. It's really just so sad to me...I'm crying now even as I'm writing this because it's just all so wrong. It's wrong that those children will be able to watch their parent's marriage fall apart later on in life on reruns of the show. It's wrong and so terribly sad. I feel like I could cry all night for all of them, the parents and the children. Who wants to be alone? Who wants to take care of eight children by yourself? Who wants to break up the team? I know this is horribly depressing but that's how it is. Divorce is horrible. The people who get divorced are not horrible. It's just that the pain caused and the effect is has for a lifetime is unmeasurable.

I wish that something could be done. I wonder if they wish that they had done something differently. Do they regret the show? I would. I would want to go back in time and do it all over again. My heart goes out to them and is truly breaking for their whole family. It's weird how you can have feelings towards people you've never met and don't know you at all.

Jesus, hold each one of them.

What happens?

So I've been pondering a question regarding a situation with my Kids' Directory. I thought I'd share it and see what anyone else has to say about it.

I think I may have missed God's timing in something and I'm just trying to figure out what I think about it all. A woman called me back in December asking if I was hiring any sales reps because she was looking for something part-time. Her current job had just moved her to full-time and she was not happy about it. I told her without thinking about it at all that, no, we weren't hiring but when we needed to hire someone I would give her a call. I thought it was cool that someone was calling me but I "knew" that we weren't at a place to hire someone so that was that.

So fast forward about three or four months and Josh and I are talking about how we really need to hire a sales rep because I'm burnt out on the sales end (it's been coasting since January) and I don't want to put in the time that it's going to take to really keep it going and grow the directory. Of course I think of the woman who had called me and give her a call. We talk a little and she lets me know that she took a job at Delaware Today about a month ago but it's full-time so she'd still be interested in hearing about the job. It took us over a month to schedule a time to meet that didn't have to be cancelled and rescheduled. So we meet last week and I get to hear about her past job and her current job at Delaware Today. From everything I can see about her personality and her experience, she would be such a great asset.

I can't help but wonder if she didn't call me back in December at what could have been the perfect time for both her and I to start working together. To top off my frustration with myself, she tells me at the interview that her boss came to her that day and offered her a part-time, commission only deal where she could work from home mostly. What?! My main angle that I had to take with her was wiped away with this offer from her boss.

Did I miss God's timing? I didn't ask him back when she first called if this was a door he was opening. I just went with my own, natural thinking that it was too soon and I should be doing it myself. I can't help but think though that if she had wanted the job back in January then for one, she wouldn't have taken the Delaware Today job and things would be going better with the directory because she'd be selling more ads than I am.

I know God redeems all things that we allow him to and that he also gives us plenty of chances to make the right choice. I have asked him to forgive me for not even consulting him before and I am praying now as well for this situation. It's just that now it's a lot more complicated and if I were her I think I'd probably stay with Delaware Today. Not because it actually will be a better job for her but just because if you're given the choice between something you already know and can count on and something that is new and not as established...most would opt for the first. Maybe she's a risk taker though and wants a different challenge. Maybe God's still going to open this door. Or maybe not. Maybe I missed the opportunity. Not because he's mean but because I made a decision. I guess we'll see...

Dancing

Yesterday, Noelle and I had a really special moment. I don't know if she was aware of it but I was definitely trying to take as many mental and emotional pictures as I could so that I wouldn't forget.

I was home with the girls and was in the middle of making lunch so I thought it would be nice to turn some music on. I told Noelle I was going to put music on and she said I should put on "pretty music". I thought of Enya and turned on Carribean Blue. Noelle was already sitting at the table eating so I started a little impromtu dancing because it's next to impossible with a song like Carribean Blue playing. Noelle wanted us to take turns dancing so after I got a short little stint on our "stage" she informed me that it was her turn. She proceeded to dance for almost the rest of the song, taking her time with every move she made.

I have been able to watch her dancing evolve over the short amount of time she has been dancing around the house and even though I am her mother and therefore biased, her dancing continues to impress me. When I was sitting on my chair in the kitchen, watching my daughter very seriously move her arms and legs in graceful movements, I had tears in my eyes. She may be 3 1/2 but she already puts so much emotion into her dancing, I was captivated by her. It was beautiful to watch the way she moved her head to follow the movement of her arms, the way she would use every part of her body to do a "move" that was meant to impress. She dances a lot now around the house but this time was especially special because of the focus she had. Also, Noelle is very fickel about whether she wants people watching her so sometimes she is not happy to have an audience. This time however, she looked at me almost throughout the whole dance, smiling at times and looking for the joy she hoped to see. I did not disappoint her in this area. I don't think there could have been more joy or approval expressed in my face than at that moment.

After she finished her turn, she so graciously said it was my turn. As I took my turn showing off my moves for her, she very bluntly told me "that's not how you do it". After I explained that my dancing doesn't have to look like hers she was pretty much ready for me to be done and for her to have a turn again. She preceeded to dance again in the very serious, almost slow motion way that she had done before. Despite being shot down for my attempt at dancing, it really was one of those times I think I will always remember. I want to remember her little face looking at me and the beautifully serious manner in which she chose her steps.