Honesty

I love honesty. I love honesty within myself, I love honesty between myself and God, I love honesty with those I love.  I’m having a moment of wanting to be really honest about the way I fail. I’ve learned to love being okay with falling short. The only way to feel okay with this of course is to know that there’s Someone who doesn’t fall short and doesn’t respond according to what I deserve. 

I still hate it when I don’t take the time I need to with God or don’t give him my attention throughout the day in the way that I know blesses him as well as me. It’s not that I love my shortcomings but rather I love being in the place where I can look honestly at myself and still feel completely loved and valuable. This hasn’t always been the case, and remembering how I used to feel about falling short reminds me of how far God has brought me. This is especially encouraging when I feel like I’m still in the same place of wishing I was doing more of what I want to with God. 

So more about how I fail…I fail to be patient with Noelle sometimes when she wants to ask the same question twenty times in a row…I fail to trust Jesus that he is truly taking care of us…I fail to trust Josh’s heart towards me sometimes and jump to conclusions.  I fail to have dialogue with my God in the way that I know I can…I fail to pray for those that I love. I fail to cast all my cares on Jesus…I fail to ask for what I need. It’s amazing to start listing them all because I could keep going and going. And the weird part is that it’s truly not depressing, it really is so liberating. It’s so crazy that I can fail in so many ways and on a daily basis and yet every day I have a million chances to make a different choice. Even if I didn’t have very much dialogue with God today…tomorrow I could talk to him all day long. Today, even though I may have carried anxiety and stress that I don’t have to…tomorrow I could throw it all at the feet of Jesus and he won’t think a thing about how I didn’t do it today. Jesus is the most of aware of my human nature, most aware of how very often I fall short. And yet he is the most able to respond in love, to respond in forgiveness and with grace. 

It’s weird that the best way to feel good about yourself isn’t to make up excuses or rationalize why what you do isn’t that bad. That someone else is worse than you and that you’ve tried your best.  One way I picture the way I want to be is that I’m in a room with Jesus and all my failings and shortcomings are in the room too. I’m not squirming or ashamed…my eyes aren’t downcast and hoping Jesus doesn’t see through me. No, I’m sitting there peacefully, fully aware that no matter how full that room is with my failings, Jesus’ love and joy over my life doesn’t change. I’m looking Him in the eyes and there’s an exchange of love, of understanding…I’m the sinner and He’s the Savior. There’s nothing to hide, nothing to try and justify. I fail and He doesn’t. Isn’t that great?