A little more honesty

I didn't know when I started writing tonight if it would be just for myself or if I would post it. I figured though that humility is a good thing and if it helps anyone else feel like they're not alone in failing, well then that's a good thing too...

I feel like I’m losing. I’m losing my battle to pray everyday. Plain and simple. I have failed again to follow God’s leading. He asked me a while ago to pray from 10 to 10:30 each night (I need things to be set for them to happen) and I have pushed it aside except for a couple of occasions. I have excused myself somehow. I have rationalized why it’s okay that I haven’t done this. God is a God of seasons…I know this. I also know that this is supposed to be a season of me seeking God in a new way. Of not making excuses for why I don’t pray more. For not being a slave to my comfort and my busy schedule anymore.

It’s so hard because on one hand I can be so hard on myself, which can drive me away from Jesus even more. So then I remember that he loves me and I don’t have to be perfect and I feel better. The problem is when I stop at feeling better and don’t actually do what I want to do. I can go from one extreme to the other and then never get anything accomplished.

I’m supposed to be praying…I need to pray. To really pray. Not just throwing up prayers throughout the day (even though that’s good to do) or taking five minutes to read my Bible and reflect for a moment. God is pulling on me. He’s challenging me during this time. But He’s not challenging me to run a marathon or find the cure for cancer. No, He’s simply asking me to pray. To pray and then watch what he can do through my prayers. He wants to show himself to me, that’s all. Well maybe that’s not everything but that’s a part of it.

This reminds me of a lesson God taught me when I was on my DTS with Youth With a Mission. It was the last week and we had just gotten back from our outreach (I had gone to Papua New Guinea, not that this matters). I was in Texas and it was on a ranch and there was a loop around the property where you could walk. There was a lot of land. I’m terrible with numbers so I don’t know exactly how many acres but it was huge. One night I was in the dorm hanging out with friends but I felt like going outside. I had this crazy thought that I should take a walk around the loop and talk to God because he had some things he wanted to show me. It was completely dark out, again it was nighttime. I was thinking, there’s no way, that would be SO scary. I didn’t even think I could do it. During this conversation in my head, Jesus puts his two cents in. I feel him speaking through my thoughts.  He says something like, “you don’t have to go, I won’t be angry or even disappointed, it’s up to you. You can stay and you won’t have lost anything but you also won’t know what you would have learned or experienced if you did go.” It was great too because I really felt like there wasn’t any pressure. He wouldn’t be holding anything against me if I didn’t do it. I was free to decide whether to risk being extremely uncomfortable in the dark and have an amazing time with God or just go back inside as if nothing had happened. Crazy as it was, for me at least, I decided to take the risk and go for the walk. As I walked, I started singing. Now as most of you should know, I don’t sing well. It is not a normal occurrence for me to sing by myself with the chance of someone hearing me.  However, I sang new songs that came to me as I started to connect with God’s plan for me during that walk. When I came to an especially creepy part of the walk, the part where there are trees on either side of the loop, my resolve to go forward had to get stronger. It was cool though because as I was walking I saw this life lesson unfolding before me.

There are going to be a lot of things that God will ask me to do and the choice will ultimately always be mine. He won’t love me any less if I don’t do them, and I will still spend eternity with Him, and so on. However, I will never know the amazing things that could have come from my action if I don’t take the risk and say yes. I never felt so close to Jesus as I did that night walking around the loop in the dark. He was so present with me I really knew he was walking with me. I can't describe well enough the impact that walk with Jesus had on me.

I want to say yes again. I want to find out what’s out there in the dark if I would just be brave enough to take Jesus’ hand and walk. I know it'll be worth it.